Chinese Marriage Through a Foreigner’s Eyes

By Alan Paul Trundley

In PRC marriage is seen as a joining of families, such as it was in the past in western countries.

In many countries there are three components to a wedding:the legal, a ceremony perhaps religious, and a “party.” This is essentially true in PRC. The legal element can only be completed by the officials in the offices of the Civil Affairs Bureau. Many couples marry officially and then proceed to the ceremony or party the next weekend, or even later.

China has full religious tolerance so any couples wanting a religious ceremony can have one of their choosing. Others sometimes choose a non-religious traditional style ceremony quite likely related to the region or ethnic group they are from.Given the size of China and its range of ethnic groups, it is easily understood that there is much variety throughout the country.

The third element is the“party,” what in the English tradition is known as a“reception,” though the word“banquet” is perhaps the best in the Chinese context, where friends and relatives are entertained. Again similar to the west, there are “obligations” and the guests will often be friends of the parents. As in most countries there is special food and usually alcoholic drink too. The form of this varies often according to finances. Some receptions are held in the street, but most will be in a restaurant, often lavish.

Generally, a foreigner will not feel at all out of place at the banquet as it is not so different from what they’re used to. Of course, the meal is in the Chinese way, with groups of about 10 guests around each table with a range of dishes being served over a period of an hour or so. The couple, perhaps with immediate family, will probably move from table to table toasting the guests.

China has special foods associated with weddings, again varying from region to region.There is an equivalent of the western wedding cake. Individual Dragon and Phoenix cakes,meaning Happiness Cakes, may be given to guests.

Usually, there will be speeches complimenting and praising the couple and the families, and offering good wishes for the future. There will not be a speech by a “best man” insulting and seeking to embarrass the groom as we are used to in the Anglo-American tradition!

在中国，婚姻往往被视为两个家庭的结合，这与过去西方的婚姻并无二致。

在许多国家，一场完整的婚礼少不了三个元素：法律认证、（宗教的）结婚仪式，以及“聚会”。在中国，这些程序也必不可少。法律认证的部分只能在民政局完成。许多新人都是先领证，然后在下周末，或者更晚些时候举办婚礼或者聚会。

中国对宗教信仰十分包容，因此新人可以选择是否举行带有宗教仪式感的婚礼，或者让这场仪式更有地区或民族特色。中国幅员辽阔，民族众多，婚礼形式也多种多样。

第三个元素是“聚会”，也就是英国传统中招待亲朋好友的“招待会”，尽管英文中“宴会”一词可能才是最符合中国实际的。与西方相似的是，参加这种喜宴也有一些“人情”的成分在，宾客们往往都是新人父母的好友。跟许多国家一样，喜宴上少不了某些特别的食物，而且通常还要喝点酒。至于餐饮的形式，则根据新人家庭的经济状况而定。有些招待会在街面上举办，但大多数都会选择餐厅酒店，常常办得很豪华。

总的来说，作为外国人，参加这样的喜宴丝毫不会感觉格格不入，因为这与他们以往参加的婚礼宴会没什么两样。当然，就餐的形式颇具中国特色，每十来个人围着一张桌子就坐，各式菜品一个小时左右陆续上齐。而新人也可能在直系家人的陪同下，挨桌挨席地去向宾客们敬酒。

喜宴上常有为婚礼特制的食物，当然，这在中国各地也是千差万别。跟西方的结婚蛋糕一样，中国人结婚时可能有“龙凤糕”，也就是“喜糕”，分发给来宾。

通常，喜宴过程中会有人轮流发言，把新人和两家人都夸赞一番，并对他们未来的生活致以诚挚的祝福。但与英美传统不同的是，宴会中不会有什么“伴郎”发言故意调侃新郎的环节。

在西方，宣誓常被视为一场婚礼的核心环节，不管是公证婚礼还是宗教婚礼。在中国没有这一套习俗，不过，喜宴中可以采用另一种风俗，用红绳或红色绸带把酒杯绑在一起，让新人对饮。

新娘必须穿新鞋，她的家人会假装阻止新娘离开父母与新郎见面，而新郎的家人却要想尽办法将新娘和她的随行亲友迎到男方家来。而且，新婚之后的第三天还有到女方父母家“回门”的习俗，仪式繁杂，比如赠送新人们更多寓意美好的礼物，也有返回一些嫁礼的。“回门”的习俗各地不尽相同，各个家庭遵循这些习俗的意愿也有强有弱。

外国朋友们，尤其是男人们：为了往后的幸福生活，面对主人家和新娘提出的要求，务必要懂得变通。

结婚照

一般来说，在结婚照这件事上，中国与西方国家不太相同，在西方，专业的摄影和录像被认为是婚礼仪式中不可或缺的部分。而在中国，结婚照常常指的就是新婚艺术照。

大多数新人会选择专业的摄影团队来拍摄，而且可能早在婚礼前三个月就拍完了。大多数新人都会租用礼服，最流行的搭配大概是新娘穿着正式的西式婚纱，新郎穿着正式西装或者更新式的夹克和裤子。当然，也有一些新人会选择传统服饰（比如旗袍）。至于婚纱照拍摄的地点，除非你自己有心仪的选择，否则一般来说，为了拍摄背景足够浪漫，都是在当地择一处风景优美之地，或者直接选在摄影工作室。

可以肯定的是，几乎每个城镇都至少有一家专门的店，在那里可以租到婚纱礼服，安排结婚照的拍摄事宜。应该在婚礼策划初期就去这些店里转转，看看有什么是在结婚时用得上的。如果想实地看看婚纱照的实际拍摄情况，那就直接去当地最受欢迎的拍摄点。

The wedding vow is considered a core element in the west, both civil and religious. China does not really have this but during the reception you could use the custom of the couple drinking from glasses or goblets joined together with red string or ribbon.

The bride must wear new shoes,the bride’s family may act trying to prevent the bride meeting the groom and so leaving her parents,while the groom’s family tries to get the bride and her entourage into the groom’s family home.There is also a tradition of visiting the bride’s parents on the third day after the wedding with an associated series of rituals such as further meaningful gifts and even the returning of some gifts.Such traditions are varied as is the desire of families to follow them.

Foreigners and men: for a happy life, be flexible to the desires of the hosts and your bride!

Wedding Photos

Typically, this is a bit different from western countries where professional photos or videos are taken as part of the wedding ceremony. In China, they are often referred to as bridal photos.Most couples will choose to have professional photos and have them taken maybe as much as three months before the wedding.

Most couples will hire costumes, perhaps the most popular is for the bride to wear a formal western style wedding gown and the groom to wear a formal suit or a more modern stylish jacket and trousers.Alternatively, some couples choose traditional clothes (e.g.Cheongsam). Unless you have a personal choice the photo “shoot”will be at a local beauty spot and in the photographic studio so as to ensure romantic backdrops.

One thing you can be sure,every town has at least one special shop where you can hire clothes and arrange for wedding photos. So early in the planning process visit some and see what is available. If you would like to see photo shoots in action, just go to the favoured local spots.

Engagement

In the west it is common for a couple to formally announce their wedding by becoming engaged and traditionally the man buys the woman an engagement ring. In China it is often somewhat different. Most Chinese, especially girls, will want their parents to be happy with an engagement before it is committed to.

When you are first introduced to the parents be careful about what words are used if you are not yet committed to marriage.Some parents equate “boyfriend”or “girlfriend” with being engaged and if they approve of you, you could find things get out of hand.

Gifts

The custom is for the groom’s parents to buy “grand gifts” for the bride’s family to formally accept the marriage. These gifts may be largely ceremonial or may include money, especially in“nines,” i.e. 99 yuan, 999 yuan as nine symbolizes “forever.”

订婚

在西方，新人通常会在订婚礼上正式宣布婚讯，而且按照传统，男士会给女士购买一枚订婚戒指。而中国的订婚好像不太一样。大多数中国人，尤其是女生，是想在结婚前用订婚的形式让父母安心。

当你第一次见对方父母时，如果还不确定要不要结婚，就一定要谨慎用词。有些家长会把“男朋友”或“女朋友”直接等同于已订终身。而且如果他们认可你的话，你就会发现事情一下变得难以掌控。

彩礼

彩礼的习俗是指男方家庭为了让女方父母同意这门亲事而为其购买大礼。大礼的赠送大多仪式隆重，而且少不了礼金，数目尤喜多带9，比如99元、999元，这是因为“九”有“长长久久”的寓意。

受邀来参加婚礼的亲人和宾客们通常会送上现金随礼，而且按惯例是装在红包里，当然也会有送其他礼物的。在某些情况下，参加喜宴的宾客们还会把随礼交给新人的父母，相当于为宴会随了份子。

建议

在许多国家和文化中，操办婚礼存在诸多困难。新人父母和新人自己各有想法，因此在中国看到类似的情况也就不足为奇。外国人有时会感觉不知所措，因为中国婚礼中常会冒出他们意料之外的事情来。或许更重要的是，外国人无法理解某些言外之意，意识不到一些该尽的责任。

在最简单的层面上，中国人婚后与父母的联系要比外国人密切得多，他们会对父母尽赡养的义务。而且即便你不再住在中国，这种联系和义务也并不会消失；你的中国“另一半”可能要给他或她的父母寄钱，父母年老时尤其如此。不仅如此，你还对另一半其他的家庭成员负有责任，这与西方传统不一样。跟众多外国人所习惯的相比，中国人更愿意两代或三代同堂，不过年轻一代也开始注重拥有更多个人空间。种情况。你可以与未婚妻共同商量婚礼的形式以及奢华程度，讨论一下你认为合理的预算，试着能把这些意向提前确定下来。虽然不见得所有事情都能与计划一致，但是想要什么样的婚礼，新人们应当在这个问题上达成共识。

你也许会感到结婚的成本正在逐年攀升，远超你的预期甚至超过你的经济承受能力。造成这种现象的主要原因可能是大家都热衷于结婚这件事。问题不总是那么容易解决，但最好的方式就是试着避免这

（摘自《英语世界》2018年第2期）

Family and guests invited to the wedding ceremony and reception will normally provide cash gifts,traditionally in a red envelope,though other gifts are sometimes given. In some instances, guests at the reception contribute to the cost of the reception with the money going to the parents.

Advice

In many countries and cultures there are difficulties in arranging weddings; parents of the couple and the couple themselves have different ideas. So it should be no surprise that the same can happen in PRC. The foreigner can sometimes feel bewildered by what is being planned.Perhaps more importantly, the foreigner does not realize some of the broader implications and commitments.

At the simplest level, the Chinese have a closer connection with their parents after marriage and have a responsibility for them. This will not be diminished if you do not live in PRC; your Chinese “other half” may want to send money, especially in the parent’s old age. There are also obligations to other family members which go beyond what a westerner is used to. There is also a greater desire for two or more generations to live together,than many westerners are used to,though the younger generations are beginning to value more personal space.

You might feel that the wedding costs are rising well beyond your expectations and even your means to pay. It is more likely that it is mostly enthusiasm that causes this to happen. It is not always easy to overcome, but the best way is to try and avoid the situation arising. Discuss the style and lavishness with your fiancée,discuss what you consider a reasonable budget and try to have these established well in advance.It won’t always go according to plan but the couple must have a common view of what they want.