Li Ao’s Witticisms

By Li Ao

On men and women

Sometimes the reason a man doesn’t want to become a bigamist is not because he doesn’t want to marry two women, but because he doesn’t want to have to look two mothers-in-law in the face.

The top priority for a 200-pound person is not weight loss, but to stand in front of a 205-pound person.

Men who have been married many times are more enjoyable than men who have been married for many years, but men who have been married for many years are better off.

The moment the smartest woman gets involved in matters of the heart she becomes an idiot;the moment the smartest man becomes involved in matters of the heart he becomes a philosopher.

There are no ugly men, only bad men; there are no ugly women, only lazy women.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and in the eye of the beauty there is only herself.

Veteran soldiers won’t die in battle, but will die wolfing down food; hot women won’t die of starvation, but will die of indigestion.

There are five kinds of men out there for a woman: the ones in her heart, the ones in her eye,the ones in her hand, the ones in her embrace and the ones in her dreams. The men who assume there is only one kind of man for a woman are fools.

On social life

Enemies are actually trustworthy in some small way—they will never change, they will never forget you like friends usually do,and they will never ever leave you.

You always have to fight with your enemies; you only have to fight with friends from time to time.

Friends who hook up for dinner at a restaurant are just people taking a bathroom break in the middle of combat.

A good neighbor only greets you from behind the wall and never crawls over it.

What’s the difference between a life insurance purchaser and a gambler? An insurance purchaser will win when he dies, and a gambler can’t die until they win.

I finally realized what the generation gap meant when I found out my accountant was using a calculator while I couldn’t assure myself of the reliability until I recalculated it using a pen.

The happiest thing in life is doing whatever you think you can’t do. The second happiest thing in life is doing what others think you can’t do.

When I was young I took people by the hand and made them run with me; when I got old I took people by the hand and made them stop running. Is this progress or retrogress? I still don’t know.

Some people wear branded clothes and they look like off-brands you bought from some street vendor; some people wear off-brands from some street vendor and they look like name brands; and then there are some who look the same either way,like the American President Roosevelt, who didn’t care about the clothes he wore, and the Chinese writer, Mr. Li Ao, who looks the same in anything he wears.

I have no guard to keep up,I just have a hammer to keep people off me; and I have no backup, I just have a backbone.◆

(FromThe First, Translation:Chase Coulson)

Li Ao (also spelled Lee Ao, 1935-2018) was a famous writer, social commentator, historian,and independent politician in Taiwan, China.

说男女

有时，一个男人不想重婚的原因，不是不想讨两个老婆，而是不想看到两个丈母娘。

对体重200磅的人来说，当务之急已不是减肥，而是找到205磅的人站在他前面。

结婚多次的男人比结婚多年的男人快乐，结婚多年的男人比结婚多次的男人幸福。

最聪明的女人一涉及自己的感情问题就变成笨蛋；最聪明的男人一涉及自己的感情问题就变成哲学家。

没有丑男人，只有坏男人；没有丑女人，只有懒女人。

情人眼里出西施，西施眼里出自己。

老兵不会战死，但会死于狼吞虎咽；美女不会饿死，但会死于消化不良。

女人的男人，其实有五个：心中一个，眼中一个，手中一个，怀中一个，梦中一个。以为女人只有一个男人的男人是笨蛋。

说世事

敌人：他至少有一点是值得信任的——就是他们绝不变，绝不像朋友一般地忘记你，他跟你永不分离。

对敌人，要永远斗争；对朋友，要间歇斗争。

沟通时上餐桌的人，就是作战时上厕所的人。

只隔着墙对你笑，而不爬过来的才是好邻居。

买人寿保险的人和赌徒最大的不同是：前者死了才会赢，后者赢了才会死。

当我发现我会把会计小姐用计算器算出来的数字，再用笔算一次才放心时，我清楚什么是代沟了。

人生第一快乐是做到自己认为自己做不到的事；人生第二快乐是做到别人认为自己做不到的事。

我年轻时拉着别人跑，年老时拉着别人别跑。是进步，是退步？我至今茫然不晓。

有人穿名牌像地摊货，有人穿地摊货像名牌，有人穿什么都一样，那就是不讲究穿的美国罗斯福总统和中国的李敖先生。

我没有前卫，前卫就是我的锤子；我没有后台，后台就是我的脊梁。◆