Company

By Gao Jianying

When my father was 87 he walked with a sluggish gait,could hardly force a morsel of food down, and was very hard of hearing.

His daily routine consisted of the TV, the newspaper and sunning himself, but when not doing that he would space off and fall asleep. After being cared for by my sister and me for a time, he took on a new habit–waiting for me to get home. He got to know exactly when I would get off work.In the wintertime, he would be sitting by his window, in the summertime he would be peering through the doorway in anticipation. One day I got off work late and didn’t come to check on him. The next day my sister told me that he had been laying there by the door staring off into the darkness.I wasn’t sure if it was that my father was worrying about me or just missing me. There were so many times that I would walk through the door and call his name, then sit by his side for a spell and go. When I was leaving I could feel his desperate gaze, like knives stabbing me, pleading for me not to leave, like he wanted me to stay right there by his side forever and ever, keeping him company.

Sometimes he wanted me to listen to his stories about Yan Xishan, one-time warlord of Shanxi Province, or Fu Zuoyi,who was once a Kuomintang general but later became a powerful politician for the People’s Republic of China.He told stories of scorched earth and how the Japanese or bandits came to his village robbing, pillaging, plundering and burning down everything in sight. He couldn’t hear himself speak and thought that I couldn’t either, so while he was telling his stories his voice got so loud I thought his windpipe would burst. There were so many times that he would get confused and keep calling people by the wrong name. I couldn’t help busting a gut, but at the same time my heart twisted into knots. I know it was just that he was getting up there in years and things got all mixed up in his mind.

父亲87岁了，走路很慢，吃饭很少，耳朵很聋。

父亲每天除了看电视、看报纸、晒太阳，就是发呆打盹儿。自从两年前姐姐伺候他以来，他添了个新习惯，就是等我。他准确地掌握着我每天下午下班的时间，冬天他在窗户前等，夏天在大门口张望。有一天，我下班很迟，没去看他，第二天姐姐说，昨天你没来，爹一直趴在窗台上瞭到天黑。我不知道父亲是操心我还是想念我。许多时候，我进门叫声爹，在他身边坐一会儿就走。我走的时候，能感觉到他渴望的眼神，似乎他渴望我永远坐在他身边，陪伴着他。

有时候，他想让我听他说话，说阎锡山或者傅作义的故事，说日本人或者土匪进村烧杀抢掠的事情。他听不见自己说话，以为我也听不见，说话时嗓门大得惊人。许多时候，他说的人张冠李戴，我觉得又好笑又难过，我知道，父亲真的老了，他的思维混乱了。

他有两个助听耳机，平时不愿意戴。有时我和他说话，他睁着浑浊的小眼睛看我的嘴，完了就听懂似的答应一个“嗯”。这个“嗯”很有些独特，拐了个弯儿，听起来模模糊糊，既表示肯定，又表示疑问。我知道他根本没听见我说的话，就笑着说他“瞎答应”，他跟着笑。看他傻笑我，笑得越发厉害，他也笑得越发厉害了。

有时候，我进门叫他一声，他也不答应，看我一眼，笑笑，就坐下打盹儿去了。我看着他满面皱纹的脸，觉得他打盹儿的样子很逗，就“老猫儿、老猫儿”叫着，揪他的长眉毛，或摸他的光头。他睁开眼睛，仿佛从遥远的地方回来，弄不清东南西北，看看周围又仔细看看我，很开心地笑了，咂咂嘴，又闭上眼睛。他这样子，我笑不出，有些害怕，怕他再也睁不开眼睛。

更多的时候，我们无声地坐着。父亲看房顶，看墙，看花草。他想什么，我不知道。我看着他的老态，想着他的日子在一天天地减少，突然心里发慌。父亲世上只有一个，我可得多看他几眼，多陪他几天，哪怕没话可说。当然，这无声期间，我常常走神，想那些生生死死的事情，那些恩恩怨怨的事情，那些轰轰烈烈和平平淡淡的事情，想父亲讲过的经历、故事和人物。想着想着，就会反省自己。离开的时候，我觉得十分满足轻松。原来，放下手机，放下一切纷纷扰扰的欲望，陪父亲安安静静坐一会儿，把脑子里的思想整理整理，竟是一种享受。这不是我在陪伴父亲，倒是他在陪伴我。

（摘自《大同晚报》2017年6月17日）

He would often forget to wear his hearing aids. There were times while listening to me he would just sit there staring bleary-eyed at my mouth, then after finishing speaking he would reply with a guttural “uh-huh.” This was his unique trademark response; it was like his mind was stuck in second gear then it would switch gears and almost get up to speed,then it would zig and then it would zag, and he’d get discombobulated and let out this little “uh-huh”that said he was both cocksure and in doubt. But I had no doubt that he hadn’t heard a word I’d said; then I’d rib him a bit about answering me “mindlessly,” then we’d just have a good laugh. I’d watch him simpering, and the harder I laughed the harder he’d laugh.

There were times when I’d let myself into his house, call his name loudly but he wouldn’t answer, then he’d shoot me a mischievous glance, laugh out loud and fall right to sleep.Looking at his face full of wrinkles and creases as he lay there napping really tickled the funny bone. He looked like an old feline there taking a cat nap, which made me feel like calling out “here kitty kitty kitty,” then tug at his tail or pet his bald head. Suddenly his eyes opened, like he had just come back from some far away land and was totally disoriented.His eyes darted around to every corner of the room then looked me over carefully from head to toe, burst into cackling laughter and fell right back to sleep. Even though it was funny I just couldn’t muster a laugh, I was scared that his eyes would never open again.

More often than not, we would just sit there together in silence.He would stare, at the ceiling, the walls and the flowers, but I didn’t have a clue what he was thinking.Looking at the shadows of old age creeping languidly through the deep crevasses in his face I couldn’t help but think of how his days were numbered, and how small that number was getting.Suddenly my nerves were gripped in a deep panic attack. A person will only ever have one father in this world, I had to spend as much time with him as possible, even if that time was spent without a word between us. Of course,during this quiet time my mind would wonder off, turning to all those experiences, days and people that my father had told me about. All those stories of life and death, of kindness and enmity,of drama and adventure, and of warmth and peace. As I thought, I would grow quietly introspective.When leaving my father’s house,I would feel completely blissful and totally content. At the end of the day, setting my cell phone down and turning my attention to my father was leaving all the hustle and bustle and worldly desires at the door for a time of quiet solitude, with him giving me a chance to sort out the noise of my thoughts and silence my mind, which became a great joy.It wasn’t me keeping my father company, quite the opposite,it was my father keeping me company.

(From Datong Evening News,June 17, 2017. Translation: Chase Coulson)