Anecdotes on the Road

By Qu Gong Translation by Sam Bowden

One day after work, I got a Uber with a non-local licence plate, the guy with a Chongqing accent wouldn’t stop bragging to me: “I left home at seventeen. What’s the point of making money? Isn’t it just to make ourselves happy? I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. My dad could grab tens of millions in cash easily. But I’m a hard-nosed kind of guy, and I didn’t want any of his money. I’m not like my brother, who asked Dad for millions. I tell you the truth, this place where you live,nobody knows it better than me.My brother used to be in a gang around here. One time, a guy scratched up my car, saw that my plate was nonlocal and tried to give me the runaround. In the end, I had to give him a good walloping. The guy went to find some of his friends to come back at me, but when they recognized who I was they all bounced off,if that isn’t respect for my bro I don’t know what it is. Those little rascals are just juniors to my brother. Well, if you don’t mess with us we’re all quite cool, but we are not afraid of trouble.”

I was quite sure this was an experienced guy with a lot of“stories” in his life.

Later, the guy, sobbing while driving, was on the phone with his ex-girlfriend trying to win her back:

“Lily, there are two hotties in my car, but I didn’t even look at them. You’re the only one for me.From now on, I will do whatever you ask me to do…”

某天，我下班碰到个优步司机，外地的车牌，说一口重庆腔，跟我摆个不停：

“我十七岁就出来混。你说赚钱为了啥嘛，还不是就为了图个高兴？我还算个富二代，我爸拿个几千万没问题。我就是骨头硬，不想找我爸要。不像我哥，找我爸要了几百万。跟你说，你住的这一带，我熟得很，我哥以前就在这边混社会。有一次，这边有个人擦剐了我的车，看我是外地车牌，就来找我麻烦。结果，老子把那个人暴打一顿。那个人后来找了几个兄弟回来找我，认出是我就散了，还不是给我哥面子？这些娃儿都算我哥他们的小辈子。我们这些人，平时不惹我还是很本分，敢惹事那也不得怕哈……”

嗯，我肯定这是个有故事的老司机。

上车后，司机一边开车，一边哭，在电话里挽留分手的女朋友：

“丽丽，现在车上两个漂亮的妹妹，我看都不看一眼，我心里只有你一个啊。你以后喊我做啥子，我就做啥子嘛……”

One time, I was in a car with two besties talking about relationships. Just when I was talking about how my boyfriend was kind of stupid, the driver suddenly spoke up: “You’re still together with him even like this? What are you waiting for?Keeping him to take home for the New Year? Sis, don’t worry about it, I’ll find a guy for you. I promise I’ll get you a good one.”

有一次，跟两个姐妹在车上聊感情方面的事。我正在讲述男友比较缺心眼的毛病时，司机忽然开口说：“这样的都不分，留着过年啊？妹妹别担心啊，我给你介绍一个，保证靠谱。”

One night, it was kind of late and I’d had too much to drink, so I ordered a car. But who knew, I had accidently ordered a designated driver. Ten minutes later, a guy came riding a foldaway bicycle and we looked at each other bewildered.

I asked: “Where’s your car?”

And he asked: “Where’s your car?”

有一次，半夜喝多了要回家，叫了辆专车，谁知道点错了，叫成代驾。10分钟后，骑着折叠自行车的司机和我相顾茫然。

我问：“你车呢？”他问：“你车呢？”

One day, I hailed a cab near Software Park and a BMW 7 series showed up. The driver was a middle-aged man in his forties.After I got in the car, he asked,“Where do you work?” I told him that I worked at an advertising agency. He replied saying, “Oh, so you don’t work at Software Park then?”

After we continued talking, I found out that his company was looking for some IT employees and he was using these e-hailing services around the Software Park area. If he found someone who worked around here, they would chat, and if their conversation went well, he would try to hire them. Using this method he said he’d already found two guys for his company.

有一次，我在软件园附近叫车，结果，来了一辆宝马7系。司机是一个四十多岁的中年男士。上车后，他问我：“小伙子在哪个公司上班？”我说在一家广告公司。他说：“哦，没在软件园上班啊？”

继续聊下去才知道，他的公司缺IT人才，就开网约车在软件园这边转，如果是在这里上班的就聊，聊了觉得靠谱，就拉人家去上班，说是已经拉到两个人。

I’m an elementary school teacher and one time after coming out from school I got a Uber to take me home. After getting in the car, I saw a seven or eight year old little boy sitting next to the driver, shooting a glance of extreme dislike at me.

Before I had even had a chance to say anything the driver said,“Wow! Hello. I see your pickup location is at this elementary school here, are you a teacher?”

I told him that I was. He said,“That’s great, I guess you are.Thank goodness I bring my son along, can I trouble you to have a look at his homework?”

It was five o’clock on a Friday afternoon. The traffic was awful and I tutored his son for a halfhour… Sure enough, my tutoring fee turned out to be the same as my taxi fare.

我是一个小学老师，有次从学校出来，叫了辆网约车回家。上车一看，司机身边坐了一个七八岁的小男生，极为怨愤地看着我。我还没说话，司机就说：“哎呀，你好，我看你上车地点是这个小学，你是老师吧？”我说是。他说：“太好了，我猜你就是老师。幸亏我把儿子拉出来，麻烦你帮我看看他的功课。”

周五下午五点，外面堵得一塌糊涂，我就这么在车上给他儿子当了一个半小时的家教……嗯，辅导费就是我的车费。◆