Fools and Their Fooleries

By Hao Qiaofeng（郝巧凤）Translation by Sam Bowden

Fools and Their Fooleries

中外笨贼趣事多

By Hao Qiaofeng（郝巧凤）Translation by Sam Bowden

Two British burglars, Kempster and Sinclair,masters of home invasions, wanted to show off their skills to their friends, when they,unexpectedly, had a sudden epiphany to film the process of events during their crimes. They even professionally edited their film, going as far as naming it, writing a lead-in and adding sound effects too.

Unfortunately, their “fans” included a group of policemen. After a recent search raid the police found nine videocassettes with complete recordings of the entire events of multiple arsons,larcenies and other offenses. Without even the slightest bit of effort they had obtained all the details to these entire cases.

英国两名惯于入室盗窃的梁上君子肯普斯特和仙卡姆为了向朋友炫耀自己的本事，竟然突发奇想，将自己的犯罪过程拍下，还很专业地剪辑并添加名称、开场白，配上音响效果。

可惜，“捧场者”是一批警察。警方在最近的一次突击搜查中，共发现9盒录像带，完整地记录了几起纵火、盗窃等罪行。警方不费吹灰之力，就弄清全部案情。

In France a foodie with a taste for crime would empty out the contents of the victims’ kitchen after completing each robbery. One time, after stuffing his face, he removed his dentures to clean them but ended up leaving them next to the sink of the victims’ kitchen. The police used this as their clue to find dental records, thus successfully capturing and sentencing the thief.

法国一名窃贼十分馋嘴，每次作案时，都要将事主留在厨房里的食物吃光。有一次，他饱餐之后，将自己的假牙取下清洗，却遗忘在事主厨房的水池旁。结果警方以此为线索，查到牙医的记录，顺利地把窃贼捉拿归案。

Deep into the night, a crook in Brazil sneaked into a department store, searching for valuables in the dark. Whilst combing around the place, the sweet scent of cream caught his attention.

Following the smell, he came upon a large barrel,figuring that it contained leftover cream for making cakes, which would make a great midnight snack.What he didn’t realize was that as soon as he put his hand in the vat he became stuck without any way to pull his hand back out.

It turns out that the bucket had been filled with a type of industrial glue incredibly adhesive. The proprietor found him the next day and sent him,along with his barrel, off to the police.

巴西一名小偷趁夜深人静潜入一家百货公司，在黑暗中寻找值钱的东西。找着找着，一股奶油的香味吸引了他。

小偷顺着香味来到一个大桶跟前，他以为桶里装的一定是做蛋糕剩下的奶油，正好当夜宵。没想到的是，他把手伸进桶里后，竟被粘住，怎么也抽不回来。

原来，桶里装的是一种工业用胶，黏性极强。第二天，店主发现被困了一夜的小偷，便连人带桶一起交给警察。

One evening, in the town of Anling, in Yanling County, Henan Province, an unemployed Mr.Wen, upon finding out that his neighbor Mr. Liu had gone away and was not at home, broke into his house. He scoured through chests and draws,taking 1,200 yuan (approx. 200 U.S. dollars) in cash and a gold necklace.

After pulling off the crime, he noticed two bottles of baijiu on the table and opened them drinking his fill. Having had more than he could handle, though,he ended up kneeling over drunk inside the house.

The next morning, the owner came home to find that his door had been broken down. Carefully creeping into his house, he found the pilferer drunk and unconscious, and called the cops.After the police arrived at the scene, Mr. Wen was compliantly taken away.

一天晚上，河南鄢陵县安陵镇无业游民温某，得知邻居刘某外出不在家，便破门而入，翻箱倒柜，偷窃到现金1200元及金项链一条。

得手后，他看到桌上有两瓶白酒，就打开畅饮，结果不胜酒力，醉倒在屋内。

次日上午，屋主返回家中，发现大门被破坏，就小心翼翼地进到屋内，发现小偷仍醉得不省人事，于是拨打报警电话。警方到场后，温某乖乖就擒。

A twenty-seven-year-old Mr. Hu, arrived in Huangshi, Hubei looking for work. Many months had passed and he still wasn’t able to find any satisfactory work. With all of his savings already spent, he came up with a crazy idea.

One evening he arrived at a hotel looking for a target, when he found the door to one of the rooms ajar. He entered the room and ransacked the place.Finding nothing worth stealing, he just took a coat of the guest that was staying in the room, which happened to have 100 yuan (approx. 15 dollars) in the pocket of the clothes.

Having acquired a taste for robbery, Mr. Hu returned to the same hotel again the very next afternoon to try his luck, wearing the coat that he had stolen the day before. Who’d have thought it?As soon as he walked through the door to the hotel,he walked straight into the owner of the lost coat,Mr. Guan.

When the police raced to the scene, Mr. Hu was still wandering around the corridors of the hotel.With the help of Mr. Guan’s identification they were able to put Mr. Hu under arrest.

27岁的胡某来到湖北黄石找工作，几个月过去了，也没找到中意的工作。此时积蓄已花光，胡某便动起歪脑筋。

一天晚上，胡某来到宾馆寻找目标，发现有个房间的门敞开着。他进到房间，翻箱倒柜，见没什么东西可偷，就将客人的随身衣物拿走了，该衣服口袋里有100元钱。

尝到点小甜头的胡某次日下午身着盗得的衣物，再次来到该宾馆“碰运气”，没想到刚进宾馆大门就被衣服的失主管先生撞个正着。

民警赶到现场时，胡某还在宾馆走廊晃悠。在管先生的指认下，民警将其抓获。

（摘自《幽默与笑话》2017年第9期）