在意别人与释放自我

By+Courtney+Dunsmore

I grew up a people pleaser. It was drilled into me from childhood that it was very important to be aware of what other people thought of me and my actionsatalltimes.

Before I made any decision， I was to carefully weigh out how it would affect others and their thoughtsofme.

As a kid， it worked out pretty well. As an adult...not so much. The constant need to have everyone like me came back to kick me in the butt， againandagain.

It started out through middle and high school when I was figuring out my interests and passions. In my heart， I felt one way. In person， I obviously leanedtowardwhateverIthoughtwas“cool”.

I remember still having the childish awe and passions at that time， but I tried to grow up far too quickly to fit in. Before long it got to the point where every decision in my life involved me heavilyweighingwhatotherpeoplewouldthink.

I built myself completely around othersexpectations， from the way I looked， to my relationships，passions，personality，andmore.

When people asked me about myself， I would carefully figured out answers， but they werentthesametoeveryone.

Ibecameanexpertatanalyzing people and situations so that I could figure out the person I needed to be for those certain people in order for them to like me. I had no one true self， but instead， many different versions of me made to please everyone and anyone.

In relationships， it hurt me the most， possibly. I never revealed my true self to anyone as I didnt want to drive them away. If we got into arguments， I would either apologize and take their side or simply pull myself away from them further as I convinced myselfthatwewerenotmeanttobe.

The journey to my own self！discovery and wantingto please myself most of all began in thelast few months—when a friend pulled away from me after I had upset her. You see， in the past I had pulled away from everyone else first if they got too close to me， never the other way around. It struck me in the healing time that I was not upset because of how close we had become or becauseIvaluedthemsodeeply.

It turned out， what upset me the most was knowing that there was someone out there who did not like me and was harboring bad feelings toward me. The thought of that tore me apart. It wasnt until I was talking to another friend， and she pointed out that it was highly likely that a great number of people didnt like me， that I had a revelation.

There will always be people who dont like me， possibly people who outright dislike me. By trying to cater to everyone except the only person whose feelings mattered （me）， I drove myself into an unhappy place in an impossible attempt to makeeveryonehappy.

I spent so much time trying to get everyone to like me that I never figured out thats not actually whats best for me. Surprisingly， I figured out that in my life， its a good thing to drive people away！ Thatmaysoundweird，butletmeexplain.

It started with this quote from the book ！"#$%& %$（ ）*+ ，-./0 by Rebecca Campbell， which goeslikethis：

！！"# $%& "（ ）"% &*&%+"&， -. （/-（"0 "1-+2 3/& 4"%5. 60 ）#55 "） 7&"75& 4/"8 " 9-（（&% 4/-（+"# ."， 4655 7"6（ ：5-1 "（ 561& +"#； <#（ 6（ 60 $50"）655&.46（/7&"75&4/"46555"*&+"#）6&%=&5+；#

As you“drive people away”， you only get closer to your ideal people. Those who love you， who want to be close to you， who truly value you， areonestepcloser.

Being disliked by some is simply a by！ product of being authentic to who you truly are. The more you embody your true personality， the moreincompatible people will pull away from you. At the same time， the more you adopt your true self， the more like"minded people youll draw towardyou.

从小到大，我一直在讨好别人。自孩提时起，我就被反复灌输这样的观念：时刻清楚别人对我及我的行为的看法，那是至关重要的。

作决定前，我需要仔细权衡该决定会对他人产生的影响以及他人对我的看法。

孩提时这样做，效果相当好。成人后，就不那么尽如人意了。让每个人喜欢我，这样的持续需求总会反过来给我难堪，一次又一次。

这始于初中，又贯穿高中，那时我正要弄清楚自己的兴趣和爱好。在内心深处，我感觉是这样的：在本能上，我偏爱一切我认为很酷的东西。

我仍然记得那时我还有孩子般的敬畏和激情，我很快长大了，这些已无法适应。不久就到了这种地步———生活中的每个决定都要让我努力斟酌别人的看法。

我完全让自己活在他人的期望之上，从装扮到人际关系、爱好、性格等各个方面。

人们问我关于我的问题时，我会仔细考虑答案，面对不同的人，答案会不一样。

我变得特别擅长分析他人及情形，这样我就能想出面对某些人时我需要呈现的样子，就为了让他们能喜欢我。我没有一个真正的自我，只有为了取悦别人时呈现的多个版本的我。

人际关系方面可能是最令我受伤的。我从未对任何人展示过真正的自我，因为我不想把他们赶走。如果我们有矛盾，我要么道歉并接受他们的观点，要么直接远离他们，同时进一步说服自己我们并非有意如此。

进行自我发现和首先取悦自己的旅程是从最近几个月开始的———一个朋友在我让她不高兴后离开了我的时候。过去，如果别人与我太亲近，都是我先远离他们，从来没有反过来过。这段时间，我很受打击，但我并不是因为我们曾经多么亲近，或者我曾经多么珍惜他们而难过。

最令我苦恼的，是我知道有人不喜欢我，而且对我有不好的印象，想到这我就感到痛心。直到與另一个朋友聊天时，她说很可能有很多人不喜欢我，我才认清这一事实。

总有一些人会不喜欢我，还可能有一些人非常讨厌我。我努力迎合其他人，唯独忽略了自己，而自己的感受其实也很重要。我努力但又不现实地想让每个人都高兴，结果把自己逼得很不开心。

我花了很多时间试图让每个人都喜欢我，我从没想明白这事实上对我没什么好处。出人意料的是，我明白了，在生活中把别人赶走可能是一件明智的事情。这听起来可能很奇怪，请听我解释。

让我引用丽贝卡·坎贝尔的书《点亮新风尚》中的一段话，原文如下：

！！"#$%&（$）*+，% -./012（$" 34567$89：；<=>4$？@012（4% #

在你赶走一些人时，你只会离你的理想人群更近。这些人爱你，想和你亲近，真正地在乎你，他们会离你更近一步。

不被某些人喜欢只是展现真实自我的一个副产品。你越展示真实的自我，就会有越多与你合不来的人离开你。同时，越展现真实的自我，你便会吸引越多与你志趣相投的人。

编后

每个人都有自己的个性，而这种个性有时会与别人发生冲突，给人带来情感上的困扰。太在意别人的目光，会失去自己的个性，失去自己的风格，反而得不到更多人的喜欢。太注重释放自我，则容易陷入自私、狭隘的泥潭，在自我的天地里自娱自乐。一个人是放弃自我迎合世俗，还是只为自己而活？真正明智的生活姿态，应该是在在意别人中释放自我，在悦人的同时不忘悦己。这样，才有超凡脱俗的境界，才值得人仰望。（陈姣）