In Defense of Small Talk 为闲谈辩护

2016-07-06ByRuthGraham

新东方英语 2016年7期

关键词：聊天

By+Ruth+Graham

Can you believe this weather？ First a major snowstorm， now unseasonable warmth. The election is really a doozy1）. And dont get me started on the Oscars！

Small talk gets a bum rap2） as an enterprise for the shallow， the callow3）， and the dull. “Life is more meaningful than the weather，” the modern high priests of depth tell us. Small talk is for “those who are too simple minded or lack the attention span to engage in more weighty conversations.” Chatting about sports or TV is boring， we are told； to ask basic questions about family or current events risks offending with our nosiness4） or our assumptions.

A few weeks ago， a Boston actuary5） named Tim Boomer wrote an installment6） for the New York Times “Modern Love” column that perfectly captured the current anti–small talk attitude. After a bad breakup， Boomer overhears a couple on a first date chatting about bus routes and the rain. “I wanted no part of this game，” Boomer writes：

Why cant we replace small talk with big talk and ask each other profound questions right from the start？ Replace mindless chatter about commuting times with a conversation about our weightiest beliefs and most potent fears？ Questions that reveal who we are and where we want to go？

Well， hold your horses7） there， Tim！ Theres something awfully presumptuous8） about pressing people to share their “weightiest beliefs and most potent fears” while youre still on the appetizer course. Call me old-fashioned， but I wouldnt want to talk about my most intense past love experience on a first date. Ill share my deepests and darkests when Im good and ready.

Small talk saves us from such forced intimacies. Small talk is not wasted talk. Its a social lubricant9） as essential as wine and laughter that allows strangers to make crucial first connections across demographic10） lines. And its far from meaningless. People are rebelling against it today in a misguided dismissal of social graces that seem old-fashioned， boring， or wasteful. In fact， weve never needed such graces more.

Dismissiveness toward light conversation is nothing new. The New Testament book of 2 Timothy urges readers to avoid “irreverent babble” because it leads to ungodliness； various translations condemn “foolish talk，” “vain babblings，” “pointless discussions，” and “empty speech.”

Post-industrialization， people became less concerned about the moral dimensions of chit-chat. Instead， they began to fear it was conformist and shallow， a poor reflection of ones personal depth. Anthropologist Bronislaw Malinowski， who formulated the first academic theory of small talk， belittled what he termed “phatic11）communion”—conversation whose purpose is social， not informational—as “purposeless expressions of preference or aversions， accounts of irrelevant happenings， comments on what is perfectly obvious.”

The latest anxieties over small talk are even smaller in scope. First， theres whether its bad for our health. A small psychology study a few years ago found that people who spent more time in “substantive” conversations were happier than those who wasted their time on lighter fare. But theres other evidence that small talk is salubrious12）， since social interaction seems to decrease stress. As one recent papers subtitle has it， “Minimal social interactions lead to belonging and positive effects.”

Unfortunately， as Boomers “Modern Love” essay illustrates， we are living in a low moment for the art of minimal social interactions. “The criteria by which one chooses what to say shift from ‘whats true； whats most interesting to ‘what lubricates the exchange； what sets people at ease， ” a Vox writer lamented last year. “Its like trying to speak a foreign language.” Small talk feels phony13） to some， in part thanks to its embrace by salesperson types—“My motto is ‘every conversation is an opportunity for success， ” a networking expert chirped14） to Fast Company. To others， in an era of ruthless efficiency， pleasantries15） of the past can come to seem like dead weight. With calendars programmed to five-minute increments， and podcasts filling every interstitial16） moment of silence with wit， shouldnt conversation be economical and nutritious？ Small talk looks like a fussy hors doeuvre17） in the age of Soylent18）.

Then theres the whole genre of exquisitely sensitive listicles， seemingly designed to scare people off from even attempting small talk. With headlines like “87 Things Never to Say to Your Babysitter，” they make it clear that even the lightest and most well-meaning blather19） will be read as problematic by someone. When speaking with a pregnant woman， for example： Dont remark on the babys sex， dont joke， “Youll never sleep again，” dont exclaim “Wow” or ask “When are you due？” and so on. Its hard to escape the conclusion that it would be easier just not to talk with pregnant women at all. Be careful， too， when speaking to mothers （dont ask if theyre going to have more kids）， to cancer patients （dont tell them theyre strong）， and to atheists20）（dont ask them about the origins of the universe）. Theres plenty of common sense here—seriously， dont tell a sick person about a random treatment you read about online！—but the cumulative effect is the conclusion that even the most innocuous chit-chat is a minefield.

Of course small talk has always been a tool to avoid the minefield of unintended boorishness21）. Even those who found small talk uninspiring once recognized its utility， like the British statesman Lord Chesterfield， whos responsible for the first-known use of the phrase. “There is a sort of chit-chat， or small talk， which is the general run of conversation at courts， and in most mixed companies，” Lord Chesterfield wrote to his son in 1751. “It is a sort of middling conversation， neither silly nor edifying22）； but， however， very necessary for you to be master of.”

But I think small talk can be edifying in its silliness， and a pleasure too. Small talk is fun precisely for the reasons Boomer thinks its boring： It requires playing within the lines. Using sports， weather， family， and other unremarkable raw material， the skilled conversationalist spins it into gold—or at least cotton candy. In a way， making small talk is like writing a sonnet. Its the restrictions of the form that make the best examples of it beautiful. Perhaps the reason so many people find it tedious is simply that theyre bad at it.

Chatting about work and education， not to mention trivialities like bus routes and rain， can tell us quite a lot about “who the person really is，” as Boomer puts it. Not because its a snobby23） shorthand for sorting a person by her pedigree24）， but because it lets you evaluate how she talks about her experiences， how she tells the story of herself， and how she approaches trifles like bad weather. Is she whiny？ Wry？ Cheery？ Its all informative， and none of it requires badgering25）anyone to reveal the moment of their most soul-shattering humiliation over cocktails. Ice-breakers like “Tell me about your weightiest belief” ask that your interlocutor dredge26） the depths of her soul on demand； small talk lets self-revelation unspool with a more civilized subtlety.

It also allows people to speak to each other across demographics. Try asking the plumber “What place most inspired you and why？” or “Whats the most in love youve ever felt？” as Tim Boomer asks his dates. Maybe youd get somewhere， which might indicate you and your plumber should explore your friendship on your own time. But more likely， youd form a quicker bond by talking about “small” subjects like the White Sox or the wintry mix27）.

On this count， the networking experts are right： Excelling at small talk will make you popular， and justifiably so. Mastering it makes you a pleasure to be around. Someone who can carry on a conversation with anyone； someone who is sparkling and witty on simple topics； someone who puts everyone at ease—thats the definition of a perfect guest， perfect host， and perfect co-worker.

Big talk， weird talk， deep talk， smart talk—pick your preferred opposite-of-small talk， and theres room for plenty of it in the conversational repertoire28）. When it happens serendipitously29）， its one of lifes great joys， and certainly more memorable than hows-the-weatherisms. But small talk will always be with us， because its the solid ground of shared culture. The more divided a people—culturally， politically， economically—the fewer conversational topics we can share. The more productivity-obsessed， the less time for old-fashioned pleasures. And that means small talk is no small thing at all.

闲聊可不是无用的废话，掌握闲聊的技巧能让你成为大家的开心果。能与任何人聊天的人、能在简单话题上展现闪光智慧的人、能让大家放松的人——这便是人们对完美客人、完美主人以及完美同事的定义。

这天气还靠谱么？先是暴风雪，现在又这么热，搞不清是什么季节了。这次的选举真好玩。别让我聊奥斯卡，开聊我就停不下来了！

闲谈被误认为是肤浅、幼稚、无趣之人的事业。“生活要比天气有意义得多。”现代提倡深入交谈的大祭司们往往会这样跟我们讲。“那些头脑过于简单或者注意力无法长时间集中于更深入交谈的人”才闲聊。我们常被告知，聊体育或是聊电视很无聊。问一些与家庭或是与时事有关的基本问题也有风险，可能因为好打听或是想当然而得罪人。

几周前（编注：英文原文发表于2016年2月25日），波士顿的一名精算师蒂姆·布姆尔为《纽约时报》的“现代爱情”栏目写了一篇文章，这篇文章准确地反映了当下反对闲聊的态度。在与女朋友闹掰分手之后，布姆尔无意中听到一对初次约会的男女在聊公交路线和下雨天。“我当时一点都不想听这种把戏。”布姆尔写道：

“为什么我们不能聊点正经事儿来代替闲聊呢？为什么不一开始就问彼此一些深刻点的问题呢？为什么围绕通勤时间瞎聊，而不讨论讨论我们最重要的信仰和最深的恐惧呢？为什么不聊一些反映我们本质以及我们人生目标的问题呢？”

得了，蒂姆，就此打住吧！开胃菜都没吃完，就要逼人跟你分享“最重要的信仰和最深的恐惧”，也太冒失了吧。你可以说我是老古板，但我是不会在第一次约会的时候就跟对方聊我过去最热烈的恋爱经历的。我只会在自己完全准备好的时候才跟人分享我内心最深处、最隐秘的部分。

通过闲聊，我们就可以不必搞这种被迫的亲密交流。闲聊并不是无用的聊天。它是一种社交润滑剂，就跟葡萄酒和笑声一样，是不可或缺的，能让陌生人与各色人等建立关键的初步联系。闲聊绝非毫无意义。今天人们嫌弃它，拒绝这些似乎是老套的、烦人的甚至是浪费表情的社交风度，其实是被误导了。事实上，我们现在比以往任何时候都更需要这种风度。

轻视闲聊不是什么新鲜事。《新约》里面的《提摩太后书》敦促读者不要“无礼地絮叨”，因为这会导致对神不敬；《圣经》的各种译本都强烈反对“愚蠢的聊天”“无价值的闲谈”“无目的的讨论”以及“空洞的讲话”。

后工业化时代，人们对闲谈道德层面的问题顾虑得要少一些。相反，他们开始担心闲谈俗套，是肤浅的行为，无法反映个人涵养。第一个有关闲谈的学术理论由人类学家布罗尼斯拉夫·马林诺夫斯基提出。他将旨在交际应酬而非信息交流的谈话称为“交际应酬型交谈”，并对此类交谈评价不高，称其是在“漫无目的地表达偏好或憎恶，述说不相干的事件，评论显而易见的事情”。

人们最近对闲谈的担心所涉范围更小。首先，人们想知道它是否会损害身体健康。几年前一次小规模的心理研究发现，花更多时间进行“实质性”交谈的人比那些在小事上浪费时间的人更加幸福。但是也有其他证据显示闲谈有益健康，因为社交活动似乎能够减压。正如近期一篇论文的副标题所言：“极简的社交活动能够带来归属感，有积极效果。”

不幸的是，正如布姆尔在“现代爱情”栏目的撰文所讲，我们活在极简社交艺术的低潮时刻。“人们选择说话内容的标准从‘真实、有趣变成了‘润滑交流、让人放松。”新闻网站Vox的一名供稿人去年曾不无惋惜地表示，“这就像在费力地说一门外语。”对有些人来说，闲谈让人感觉不真诚，这部分得归咎于搞销售的人会利用闲聊。一名人际关系网络专家就兴高采烈地向《快公司》杂志表示：“我的座右铭是‘每一次的交谈都是获得成功的机会。”对另外一些人来说，在这样一个只讲效率的时代，过去的寒暄似乎都是累赘。时间安排表已经以每五分钟为单位，中间的安静时刻还要听听播客机智的节目，在这种情况下难道谈话不应该简洁而又有营养吗？在如今的代餐粉时代，闲谈看起来就像是繁琐的开胃菜。

然后还有人列举出各种敏感微妙的事情清单，似乎是故意为了让人们恐惧闲谈，哪怕是试试都不行。配上“87件永远不要跟你保姆说的事情”之类的标题，此类文章明明白白地告诉你，即便是最轻松、最善意的唠嗑也会被人视为有问题。比如，跟孕妇聊天时，不要谈论胎儿的性别，不要开玩笑说“你就再也别想睡个踏实觉了”，不要大声说“哇”或是问“预产期是什么时候”等等。这很难不让人得出结论：压根就别跟孕妇聊天，事情便简单得多。跟当妈的（不要问她们是否打算再生）、癌症病人（不要说他们身体很壮）、无神论者（不要问他们宇宙的起源）交谈也要小心了。这里边有很多的常识要掌握——我不是开玩笑，不要跟病人讲你在网上看到的某个偏方！——但是，这也不要，那也不能，累积下来的效果便是得出结论：即便是最无害的闲聊也是一个雷区。

当然，闲聊也一直是躲避无意冒失这一雷区的一种方法。即便是那些认为闲聊没意思的人也一度承认闲聊的作用，比如英国政治家查斯特菲尔德勋爵——他还是已知的第一个使用“small talk”（闲聊）一词的人。他曾在1751年给儿子的信中写道：“有一种拉家常，或者说闲聊，在宫廷里很常见，当形形色色的人员聚集在一起时通常也会这么交谈。这是一种普普通通的聊天，既不愚蠢，也无法给人启迪，但是，你非常有必要掌握这种聊天方式的技巧。”

但是，我认为闲聊的愚蠢之处也可以是给人启迪的地方，闲聊还是一种娱乐。闲聊之所以有趣，跟布姆尔认为它无聊是一个道理。闲聊要求谈话在一些条条框框内进行。谈些体育运动、天气、家庭以及其他普通而简单的话题，擅长聊天的人能将这种聊天变成金子，或者起码也能将其变成棉花糖。某种程度上，闲聊就像写十四行诗，形式上的限制让诗中的佳作变得很美。或许，之所以这么多人认为它无聊只是因为他们不擅长闲聊而已。

聊聊工作和教育便可以告诉我们很多信息——很多布姆尔称之为“人的真实面目”的信息，更不用说聊诸如公交路线和雨这些琐事了。这倒不是因为闲聊能让你得知姑娘的背景信息，从而势利地快速将其按照三六九等归类，而是因为闲聊能让你对她进行评估，看她怎样谈论她的经历，怎样跟你讲述她自己的故事，以及她怎样看待诸如坏天气之类的小事。她是不是爱发牢骚？性格乖张？还是开朗？闲聊能告诉你很多信息，而且不需要你举着杯鸡尾酒缠着别人告诉你人家最伤心的屈辱经历。诸如“告诉我你最重要的信仰”之类的开场话是要求你的对话伙伴按你的要求去说掏心窝子的话，而闲聊则让人以一种更加微妙的方式优雅地自我展示。

闲聊还能帮助人与各色人等交谈。你试试去问一名管道工：“哪个地方最能给你灵感？为什么？”“你曾感受到的最炽热的爱是什么？”就像蒂姆·布姆尔这样问他的约会对象一样。可能你们会聊得颇有些进展，那可能表明你和这位管道工应该在没事的时候继续发展你们的友谊。但是，聊聊诸如芝加哥白袜队或者雨夹雪的天气之类的“小”话题，你们更有可能很快变得熟络。

在这方面，人际关系网络专家是对的：擅长闲聊会让你受欢迎，并且这是有道理的。掌握闲聊的技巧能让你成为大家的开心果。能与任何人聊天的人、能在简单话题上展现闪光智慧的人、能让大家放松的人——这便是人们对完美客人、完美主人以及完美同事的定义。

高谈阔论、奇谈怪论、深入交谈、机智交谈——你可以根据喜好来选择这些与闲聊相对的交谈方式。就所有聊天技能而言，每种方式都有很大的发挥空间。偶然得之，它便是生活的一大乐趣，肯定要比“天气怎么样”之类的闲聊更加令人难忘。但是，闲聊总是会陪伴着我们，因为闲聊才是文化共享的坚实基础。一个民族在文化、政治或经济上越分化，其能共享的交谈话题就越少。越是迷恋于效率，享受老式快乐的时间就越少。而这便意味着，闲聊可不是什么微不足道的事情。

1. doozy [?du?zi] n. 〈美口〉极好的东西；好玩（或异乎寻常）的东西

2. bum rap：〈美口〉错误的指控；不公正的训斥

3. callow [?k?l??] adj. 稚嫩无经验的

4. nosiness [?n??zin?s] n. 爱打听，好管闲事

5. actuary [??kt?u?ri] n. （保险）精算师；保险（业务）计算员

6. installment [?n?st??lm?nt] n. （分期连载的）部分；（连载刊物的）一期

7. hold your horses：停一停；停止胡搅蛮缠

8. presumptuous [pr??z?mpt?u?s] adj. 冒昧的；放肆的

9. lubricant [?lu?br?k?nt] n. 润滑剂，润滑油

10. demographic [?dem??ɡr?f?k] adj. 人口的；人口统计的；人口学的

11. phatic [?f?t?k] adj. 交际性的，应酬的

12. salubrious [s??lu?bri?s] adj. 有益健康的