作文如何“适当增加细节”

龚磊 陈慈明

高考英语作文写作提示中有“可以适当增加细节，以使行文连贯”的要求。但是，在考场上不少同学要么觉得无话可说，草草结束；要么仅罗列汉语提示中的要点，难免使文章读起来干巴巴的，缺少生气。要想使文章有血有肉，充实丰盈，就应该在紧扣话题和要点的基础上合理“添加细节”。笔者认为，以下四种办法，可以帮助同学们有效展开文章，完成写作任务。

[追加成分，扩展句子]

在阅读理解中遇到长句子时，我们要学会通过找句子主干，把长句子缩短；而在写作文时，我们则要反其道而行，针对目标句子，我们在要点基础上适当添加合乎逻辑的附加成分，如定语（从句）、状语（从句）、非谓语结构、独立主格等成分，使表达更清晰，主题更突出。

例1 高考临近，学习时间变紧，任务加重，很多同学内心压力大，学习效率低下。请为即将举行的班会写一篇英语演讲稿，谈谈你对保持良好的精神状态，高效而健康地进行复习备考的建议。要点如下：坚持锻炼；合理计划；注重饮食。

要点拓展如下：

1. 坚持锻炼

普通表达：We should keep on doing exercise.

高级表达：To keep up good spirits and prepare for the big day efficiently and healthily， we are advised to do regular workout， building up our bodies.

2. 合理计划

普通表达：We should have proper study plan.

高级表达：Never hesitate to make an organized and proper schedule， which contributes much to the accomplishment of our academic assignments.

3. 注重饮食

普通表达：we should pay special attention to our diet as well.

高级表达：Certainly， keeping a balanced diet， we are bound to feel energetic and dynamic， which serves the most essential functions.

点评 在对所给要点进行简要分析之后，就应考虑使用哪些词语和句式，从而符合五档作文所要求的“有高级词汇和高级句式”的标准。在以上三个要点的处理上，通过添加高级词汇如efficiently and healthily， regular workout， organized and proper schedule， academic assignments， feel energetic and dynamic， essential以及分词结构、定语从句等成分，充分扩充了句子，不仅篇幅更长，亮点也更多了。

[补加语句，充实文章]

根据作文的行文走向，适当增加一些与主题相关的语句，或根据作文题目中提示的要点，恰如其分地衍生出一些句子，即能够起到“前引后联”的作用，又可以补充一些相关信息，帮助读者理解所写内容。此外，还可以起到协调句式，避免单调的作用。

例2 假定你是李华，你的朋友汤姆得知中国学生数学成绩总体优于英国学生，所以他想知道中国数学教与学的情况，请你写一封邮件回复他。要点如下：课堂学习时间；作业量；课外学习等。

要点拓展如下：

1. 课堂学习时间

A special Chinese high school student usually has seven math classes per week， and some schools even offer nine classes for math， in which teachers often address key points and most common problems theyve found in students homework handed in recently.

2. 作业量

Due to teachers immediately feedback on their homework， the majority of the students are able to have a good command of their learning materials， even though the workload is quite huge.

3. 课外学习

Besides homework， some students also manage to spend extra time reviewing what theyve learned in class and get their notes organized. The revision style varies， but there is a common belief among students that math is of great importance. As a result， they devote quantities of time to it.

点评 该作文题所给提示并不多。在完成该作文前，同学们要考虑以下几个问题：

1. 课堂学习时间是多还是少？每周有多少节课？

2. 作业量是大还是小？每天有多少？

3. 课外学生都有哪些课外活动来学习数学？

通过有针对性地对目标进行分析，我们要为自己的作文找到拓展的方向。前文中画线部分均为结合文章发展走向衍生出的句子，所添加的句子在句式结构上也不尽相同。

此外，我们还可以根据实际情况添加一两句名言警句来点缀文章，使评分再上一个档次。

例3 Were I three years younger than I am now， I would strongly recommend that I set more practical and specific goals. As an old saying goes， living without a clear and achievable aim is like sailing without a compass. Compared with many abstract objectives， practical ones can bring us more courage and confidence whenever we make one step forward.

点评 Living without a clear and achievable aim is like sailing without a compass. 这个句子尽管结构并不复杂，属于“主—系—表”结构，但该句采用了类比这一修辞手法，将无目标的生活比作无指南针的航海，顿时使人生目标形象起来。

[添加过渡，条理清晰]

在写作当中，恰当使用一些衔接手段，包括使用过渡词和过渡句，可以使文章严谨、流畅、富有节奏。

例4 假定你是李华，你校摄影俱乐部（photography club）将举办国际中学摄影展。请给你的英国朋友Peter写封信，请他提供作品。信的内容包括：

1.主题：环境保护；

2.展览时间；

3.投稿邮箱：intlphotoshow@gmschool.com。

注意：

1.词数100左右；

2.可以适当增加细节，以使行文连贯。

Dear Peter，

Our school photography club is going to hold an International High School student Photography Show. As far as I know， the theme of the show is environmental protection. Actually， I know you are gifted in taking good pictures and have always wanted to do something for environmental protection. I clearly remember you showed me some photos on that theme the last time you visited our school. In addition， it will start from June 15th and last three weeks and what makes us excited is that any student who is interested can participate in it. In a word， I firmly believe that this is surely a good chance for more people to see them. If you want to join， please send your photos to intlphotoshow@gm.school.com.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Yours，

Li Hua

点评 本篇范文很好地完成了要求，要点扩充合情合理。全文句式多样化，并没有一直使用陈述句，而是穿插使用祈使句等多种句式，符合邀请函的特点。文章中使用了较多的复合句，如定语从句any student who is interested can participate in it，时间状语从句... the last time you visited our school，条件状语从句If you want to join ...等，体现出不错的驾驭英语的能力。

此外， 本文使用了as far as I know，in addition，in a word，等过渡短语，巧妙地将三个要点“主题、展览时间、投稿邮箱”串联起来，使阅卷老师对作者表述的意思一目了然，同时也增强了文章的条理。

我们写作当中经常会用到的过渡语有：first of all， to begin/start with， in the first place， first and foremost， second（ly）， furthermore， moreover， whats more， in addition， besides， but， however， on the contrary， nonetheless， in contrast/comparison， nevertheless， hence， therefore， in conclusion， to conclude， in a word， last but not least等。

[重点突出，详加描述]

在对文章进行展开时，除了可以采用前文提到的添加追加成分、过渡成分来拓展句子外，我们还可以根据题目提示，确定整篇文章的主要点和次要点，在主要点上着力发挥，次要点表述清楚即可，不用过多渲染。

例4 读下面图画，按要求用英语写一篇词数为120左右的短文。

内容包括：

描述画面；

概述其含义；

谈谈个人感想。

凿壁偷光

注意：

1. 短文开头已给出，不计入总词数；

2. 可以适当增加细节，以使行文连贯；

3. 短文中不能出现与本人相关的信息。

In the picture， we can see a boy in worn clothes，who was reading a book with full attention. He was sitting at a shabby wooden table with a pile of books on it and a weak ray of light came in through a small hole in the wall.

This is a well-known story from an ancient Chinese idiom. The boy， being poor， couldnt afford even a candle， so he bored a hole in the wall to “steal” light from his neighbors house to read at night. The moral of the story is that we should spare no effort to acquire knowledge and never get discouraged easily no matter how difficult the situation may be.

Of course， things are totally different today. It is not the story itself but what is reflected in the story that counts. Hard work pays off. We should take pains to improve ourselves through learning and get prepared for the future.

点评 该篇习作语言丰富，表达准确，结构清晰，过渡自然，尤其在内容的安排和取舍上，处理得十分恰当。本题的三个要点中，要点3是本文的重头戏，体现了高考作文题的“思想性”，本文对此着重“泼墨”，所占篇幅几乎为全文篇幅一半，要点2次之；针对要点1，本文对图片仅需作简要描述，一句话即可。

“不积小流，无以成江河；不积跬步，无以至千里”。要想写出高质量的考场作文，就需要“适当添加细节”。而细节的增加需要从实际需要出发，结合作文的题材、体裁以及题中给出的要点，“画龙点睛”式地添加，不要信口开河，更不能够信马由缰、乱加一气，最终偏离主题，给阅卷老师留下“该写的不写，不该写的写得过多”的不良印象。