What Makes a Good Life 幸福的生活哪里来

Robert+Waldinger++译+刘偲熙

What keeps us healthy and happy as we go through life？ If you were going to invest now in your future best self， where would you put your time and your energy？ There was a recent survey of millennials1） asking them what their most important life goals were， and over 80 percent said that a major life goal for them was to get rich. And another 50 percent of those same young adults said that another major life goal was to become famous.

And were constantly told to lean in to work， to push harder and achieve more. Were given the impression that these are the things that we need to go after in order to have a good life. Pictures of entire lives， of the choices that people make and how those choices work out for them， those pictures are almost impossible to get. But what if we could watch entire lives as they unfold through time？ What if we could study people from the time that they were teenagers all the way into old age to see what really keeps people happy and healthy？

We did that. The Harvard Study of Adult Development may be the longest study of adult life thats ever been done. For 75 years， weve tracked the lives of 724 men， year after year， asking about their work， their home lives， their health， and of course asking all along the way without knowing how their life stories were going to turn out.

Since 1938， weve tracked the lives of two groups of men. The first group started in the study when they were sophomores at Harvard College. They all finished college during World War II， and then most went off to serve in the war. And the second group that weve followed was a group of boys from Bostons poorest neighborhoods， boys who were chosen for the study specifically because they were from some of the most troubled and disadvantaged families in the Boston of the 1930s. Most lived in tenements2）， many without hot and cold running water.

When they entered the study， all of these teenagers were interviewed. They were given medical exams. We went to their homes and we interviewed their parents. And then these teenagers grew up into adults who entered all walks of life. They became factory workers and lawyers and bricklayers and doctors， one President of the United States. Some developed alcoholism. A few developed schizophrenia. Some climbed the social ladder from the bottom all the way to the very top， and some made that journey in the opposite direction.

Every two years， our patient and dedicated research staff calls up our men and asks them if we can send them yet one more set of questions about their lives. Many of the inner city3） Boston men ask us， “Why do you keep wanting to study me？ My life just isnt that interesting.” The Harvard men never ask that question.

To get the clearest picture of these lives， we dont just send them questionnaires. We interview them in their living rooms. We get their medical records from their doctors. We draw their blood， we scan their brains， we talk to their children. We videotape them talking with their wives about their deepest concerns. And when， about a decade ago， we finally asked the wives if they would join us as members of the study， many of the women said， “You know， its about time.”

So what have we learned？ What are the lessons that come from the tens of thousands of pages of information that weve generated on these lives？ Well， the lessons arent about wealth or fame or working harder and harder. The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this： Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.

Weve learned three big lessons about relationships. The first is that social connections are really good for us， and that loneliness kills. It turns out that people who are more socially connected to family， to friends， to community， are happier， theyre physically healthier， and they live longer than people who are less well connected. And the experience of loneliness turns out to be toxic. People who are more isolated than they want to be from others find that they are less happy， their health declines earlier in midlife， their brain functioning declines sooner and they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely. And the sad fact is that at any given time， more than one in five Americans will report that theyre lonely.

And we know that you can be lonely in a crowd and you can be lonely in a marriage， so the second big lesson that we learned is that its not just the number of friends you have， and its not whether or not youre in a committed relationship， but its the quality of your close relationships that matters. It turns out that living in the midst of conflict is really bad for our health. High-conflict marriages， for example， without much affection， turn out to be very bad for our health， perhaps worse than getting divorced. And living in the midst of good， warm relationships is protective.

Once we had followed our men all the way into their 80s， we wanted to look back at them at midlife and to see if we could predict who was going to grow into a happy， healthy octogenarian4） and who wasnt. And when we gathered together everything we knew about them at age 50， it wasnt their middle age cholesterol levels that predicted how they were going to grow old. It was how satisfied they were in their relationships. The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80. And good， close relationships seem to buffer us from some of the slings and arrows5） of getting old. Our most happily partnered men and women reported， in their 80s， that on the days when they had more physical pain， their mood stayed just as happy. But the people who were in unhappy relationships， on the days when they reported more physical pain， it was magnified by more emotional pain.

And the third big lesson that we learned about relationships and our health is that good relationships dont just protect our bodies， they protect our brains. It turns out that being in a securely attached relationship to another person in your 80s is protective， that the people who are in relationships where they really feel they can count on the other person in times of need， those peoples memories stay sharper longer. And the people in relationships where they feel they really cant count on the other one， those are the people who experience earlier memory decline. And those good relationships， they dont have to be smooth all the time. Some of our octogenarian couples could bicker6） with each other day in and day out， but as long as they felt that they could really count on the other when the going got tough， those arguments didnt take a toll7） on their memories.

So this message， that good， close relationships are good for our health and well-being， this is wisdom thats as old as the hills8）. Why is this so hard to get and so easy to ignore？ Well， were human. What wed really like is a quick fix， something we can get thatll make our lives good and keep them that way. Relationships are messy and theyre complicated and the hard work of tending to family and friends， its not sexy or glamorous. Its also lifelong. It never ends. Just like the millennials in that recent survey， many of our men when they were starting out as young adults really believed that fame and wealth and high achievement were what they needed to go after to have a good life. But over and over， over these 75 years， our study has shown that the people who fared the best were the people who leaned in to relationships， with family， with friends， with community.

So what about you？ Lets say youre 25， or youre 40， or youre 60. What might leaning in to relationships even look like？

Well， the possibilities are practically endless. It might be something as simple as replacing screen time with people time or livening up a stale relationship by doing something new together， long walks or date nights， or reaching out to that family member who you havent spoken to in years， because those all-too-common family feuds9） take a terrible toll on the people who hold the grudges10）.

Id like to close with a quote from Mark Twain. More than a century ago， he was looking back on his life， and he wrote this： “There isnt time， so brief is life， for bickerings， apologies， heartburnings， callings to account. There is only time for loving， and but an instant， so to speak， for that.”

The good life is built with good relationships.

在我们的生命历程中，是什么使我们保持健康、快乐呢？如果你现在要为未来投资，成为最好的自己，你会把时间和精力放在哪儿呢？最近有一项对千禧一代的调查，询问他们最重要的人生目标是什么，超过80%的人说他们的一个主要人生目标是变得富有。此外，这群年轻人中50%的人表示，他们的另一个重要人生目标是享有名望。

经常有人告诉我们要积极进取、辛勤工作，更加努力，取得更大的成就。于是我们就会有种印象，觉得这些是我们为拥有幸福生活所必须追求的东西。我们几乎不可能了解人一生的全貌、人们所做的选择以及这些选择对他们的影响。但是，如果我们可以观察到人们随着时间推移展现出来的整个人生呢？如果我们可以对人从青少年开始观察，一直到他们进入老年，看到底是什么使人保持快乐和健康呢？

我们就是这么做的。哈佛大学的成人发展研究可能是迄今为止时间跨度最长的成人生活研究项目。在75年的时间里，我们跟踪了724名男性的生活，每年对其工作、家庭生活、健康状况进行询问。当然，我们在询问时始终不知道他们的人生故事将有怎样的结果。

自1938年起，我们跟踪了两组男性的生活。第一组在研究开始时是哈佛大学二年级的学生。他们都在二战期间完成了大学学业，随后大多在战争中服役。而我们跟踪的第二组则是波士顿最贫穷街区里的一群男孩。之所以选中这些男孩参与研究，主要因为在20世纪30年代的波士顿，他们所在的家庭是问题最多、条件最差的。他们多数合住在经济公寓里，很多房屋都没有冷热自来水供应。

研究伊始，所有的青少年都接受了访谈，进行了体检。我们到他们家里去，对他们的父母进行访谈。后来，这些青少年长大成人，进入各行各业。他们有的成了工厂工人，有的成了律师，有的成了砌砖工人，有的成了医生，还有一位成了美国总统。有人酗酒成瘾，有几个得了精神分裂症。有人从社会底层一直爬到了最顶层，也有人逆向而行，跌入谷底。

每过两年，我们耐心又敬业的研究人员会给我们的研究对象打电话，询问是否可以向他们再寄送一份关于其生活的调查问卷。波士顿市中心贫民区的很多人会问：“你们为什么一直想研究我呀？我的生活没那么有意思啊。”哈佛的受试者们从来不问这个问题。

为了能尽量清楚地了解这些人的生活，我们不仅仅给他们寄送调查问卷。我们还在他们家的客厅里面谈，从医生那里获取他们的医疗记录，给他们做抽血化验，做脑部扫描，和他们的子女交谈。我们在他们与妻子讨论内心深处的忧虑时录像。大约10年前，我们终于问他们的妻子是否愿意加入我们，成为研究对象，不少太太都说：“嗯，是时候加入了。”

那我们了解到了什么呢？我们围绕这些人的生活整理出了数万页的信息，从中我们发现了什么呢？这些发现与财富、名望或愈发努力工作无关。我们从这项长达75年的研究中得到的最明确的信息是：良好的人际关系使我们更快乐、更健康。就是这么回事。

关于人际关系，我们从调查中总结了三个教训。第一，社会关系对我们非常有益，而孤独对人有害。研究结果显示，与家庭、朋友、社区有更多社交联系的人比社交联系少的人更快乐、更健康、更长寿。孤独感则是有毒的。那些与他人疏离的程度超过自己内心所愿的人会发现，与不孤独的人相比，自己没那么开心，健康状况在中年时期更早恶化，脑功能衰退得更快，寿命也更短。而令人遗憾的一个事实是，在任何特定的时间里，都会有超过五分之一的美国人声称自己很孤独。

我们知道，在人群中你可能感觉孤独，在婚姻中你也可能感觉孤独，所以我们总结的第二个教训是：真正重要的不是你朋友数量的多少，也不是你是否处于一段忠诚的关系中，而是你的亲密关系的质量如何。研究结果表明，生活在冲突之中对我们的健康非常有害。比如，那些没有什么感情而又有着激烈冲突的婚姻对我们的健康就极其有害，其害处可能甚于离异。而生活在良好、温暖的关系中则能起到保护作用。

当我们对受试者的跟踪一直延续到他们80多岁时，我们想回头看看他们的中年生活，看我们能否预测谁将会成为快乐、健康的八旬老人，而谁不会。当我们把受试者50岁时的所有已知资料汇总到一起后，我们发现，能预示他们将如何变老的并不是他们中年时的胆固醇水平，而是他们对自己的人际关系的满意度。那些在50岁时对自己的人际关系最满意的人，到80岁时最健康。良好、亲密的人际关系似乎能帮我们抵御衰老过程中的一些“明枪暗箭”。受试者中最幸福的男女伴侣在他们80多岁时表示，在他们身体出现更多疼痛的日子里，他们仍能保持精神愉悦。而那些身处不愉快的人际关系中的人们，在他们宣称身体出现更多疼痛的日子里，这些疼痛会被更多情绪上的痛苦放大。

关于人际关系和健康我们总结出的第三个重大教训是：良好的人际关系不仅保护我们的躯体，还保护我们的大脑。研究结果表明，如果你在80多岁时与另一个人维持着稳定的依恋关系，这会对你起到保护作用，如果人们所处的关系让其真正觉得自己在有需要时能依赖另一个人，那这些人的记忆会更清晰、更长久。而如果人们所处的关系让其觉得自己真的指望不上另一个人，那这样的人会更早遇到记忆衰退的问题。良好的人际关系不一定要始终一帆风顺。受试者中有些80多岁的老年伴侣可能天天拌嘴，但只要他们觉得自己能在遇到困难时真正依靠对方，拌嘴就不会对他们的记忆造成伤害。

良好、亲密的人际关系有益于我们的健康和幸福，这是古老的人类智慧。为什么这个道理这么难明白，又这么容易被忽视呢？我们是人啊。我们真正喜欢的是快速的解决方案——我们能信手拈来使生活变得美好并一直美好下去的一种东西。人际关系错综复杂，照顾家人和朋友是一项艰辛的工作，既不性感也没有吸引力。它还贯穿我们的一生，无休无止。和最近那次调查中的千禧一代一样，我们的很多受试者在起初还是年轻人时，也确实认为要拥有幸福的生活，他们需要追求名望、财富和卓越的成就。但在这75年中，我们的研究一次次表明，过得最好的是那些用心耕耘自己与家人、朋友和社区关系的人。

那你呢？假设你现在25岁，40岁，或60岁。用心经营人际关系对你来说会是什么样子呢？

这其实有无限种可能。可以很简单，比如花些时间与人面对面交流，而不是盯着屏幕；通过一起尝试新鲜事物来激活彼此厌倦了的关系；好好散散步，夜晚约会聚一下，或者主动联系多年没有说过话的家人，因为那些再平常不过的家庭仇怨也会给心存积怨的人带来极大的伤害。

我想引用马克·吐温的一段话来收尾。一百多年前，他回首一生，写下了这样一段话：“生命如此短暂，我们没有时间去争吵、道歉、嫉恨、计较。我们只有时间去爱，即便如此，这样的时间也是稍纵即逝。”

幸福生活有赖于良好的人际关系。

1. millennial [m??leni?l] n. 千禧一代，或称Y一代、网络一代，指出生在1980～2000年之间的美国年轻人。他们是二战后婴儿潮一代的后代。

2. tenement [?ten?m?nt] n. （城市较穷苦地区的）经济公寓

3. inner city：（居民拥挤、住房破旧的）市中心贫民区

4. octogenarian [??kt??d???ne?ri?n] n. 80～89岁的人

5. slings and arrows：无妄之灾；飞来横祸；不愉快的事

6. bicker [?b?k?（r）] vi. （为小事）争吵

7. take a toll：产生严重影响；造成许多痛苦

8. as old as the hills：古老的

9. feud [fju?d] n. 长期不和

10. grudge [ɡr?d?] n. 怨恨，嫌隙，积怨