Keep Calm and Call IT

刘珏

A guide to dealing with tech support

电脑坏掉之后，如何与来自另一个世界的技术人员沟通， 并应对他们的“羞辱”？

When your screen freezes， you can feel it in the pit of your stomach. How can that document be gone？ Just， gone？ What sort of cruel， godless universe is this？ Then comes anger as you engage in percussive maintenance， but the computer fates respond to your beatings by going completely black. Then bargaining， “I will redo the whole chart if you just come back. Dont take all the other data， you malicious slattern of an office appliance！” After you hold in the power button a few times， sorrow takes hold. Color fades from the world and you wonder if you should just end it all. But， you eventually come to a realization that something bigger than you is taking place， that theres nothing you can do because this is all part of the natural order of things—youre going to have to call for some tech support.

As anyone working in an office can attest， the most unpleasant part of the experience happens after the person meant to help you finally arrives—the person who invades your work space asking way too many questions and offering loads of unsolicited advice you neither agree with nor understand. At the end of all of the insults， waiting， and tutting， you may find yourself wanting to just quit your job and join the circus. So， heres a handy guide to prepare for your inevitable tech support situations.

When the person wearing a plain shirt， jeans， and sneakers with a numb， bored expression finally shows up， you cry for help：

My computer wont start！

W6 de di3nn2o k`ibuli2o j～ le！

我的電脑开不了机了！

They， of course， have to ask you a few questions first. Be warned： during this process， your intelligence may be insulted and your pride will be hurt.

Is it plugged in？

Ch`sh3ng di3nyu1n le ma？

插上电源了吗？

Is the monitor cord loose？

Sh#bush# xi2nsh#q# de li1nji8xi3n s4ng le？

是不是显示器的连接线松了？

No and no. Finally， the tech guy or gal reluctantly takes your seat. But if it was a simple problem， things would probably be over already. The tech guy， of course， will make sure you know how many other people have made the same mistake and exactly how he feels about it. So they whip up some magic and your computer seems resurrected， but with an unfamiliar interface consisting only of text and codes that might as well be written in Martian. They declare：

Your operating system is damaged and has to be re-installed.

N@ de c`ozu7 x#t6ng s^nhu3i le， x$y3o ch5ngx～n `nzhu`ng.

你的操作系统损坏了，需要重新安装。

With that they pull out a stack of 光盘 （gu`ngp1n， discs）， several or all of which are probably pirated. Remembering the last time your system was re-installed， you ask：

Do you have an operating system in English？

Y6u Y～ngy^ de c`ozu7 x#t6ng ma？

有英语的操作系统吗？

Of course they dont. But， hey， perfect time to practice your Chinese computer terminology， or randomly stabbing at tabs in the dark， depending on your Chinese ability. Also， there are far more pressing issues：

Can my files be retrieved？

W6 de w9nji3n n9ng zh2o hu！l1i ma？

我的文件能找回来吗？

They， ever so annoyingly， answer you with more questions：

Have you saved it？ Where did you save it？

N@ b2oc%nle ma？ N@ b2oc%n d3o n2li le？

你保存了吗？你保存到哪里了？

Have you backed it up？

N@ b-if-nle ma？

你备份了吗？

Ashamed， you confess that you saved it on the 桌面 （zhu4mi3n， desktop） and you never bothered to backup anything—because youre not a nerd. They throw you one of those looks intended for imbeciles and repeat the phrase you know all too well.

Ive said it so many times， dont save files on your desktop， its very easy to lose them during reinstallation.

W6 shu4guo h0ndu4c# le， b%y3o b2 w9nji3n c%n z3i zhu4mi3n shang， zh-y3ng z3i ch5ngzhu`ng de sh！hou r5ngy# di$sh～.

我說过很多次了，不要把文件保存在桌面上，这样在重装的时候容易丢失。

Get into the habit of backing up your files regularly; this will save you a lot of trouble.

Y2ngch9ng d#ngq～ b-if-n de h2ox！gu3n hu# ji9sh0ng h0ndu4 m1fan.

养成定期备份的好习惯会节省很多麻烦。

While trying your best not to commit homicide， dont say：

Cut the crap and get on with fixing it. Im in a hurry！

Sh2of-ihu3， g2nj@n xi$， w6 zh1oj！ y7ng！

少废话，赶紧修， 我着急用！

You dont want to piss off the guy who fixes your computer—especially since he can tell you werent busy and knows the last thing you Googled was， “Are unicorns real？” So you have to resolve to do the opposite：

Got it. No problem. I will definitely pay more attention next time！

M！ngbai le， m9i w-nti ， w6 xi3c# y！d#ng zh&y#！

明白了，没问题，我下次一定注意！

At some point， you may find yourself pining for the halcyon days of pad and paper over the hateful robot box that has just betrayed you. But such is the price we pay for modernity. A wide range of 故障 （g&zh3ng， glitches） might hit your office that the tech support personnel are needed to fix.

You： My computer crashes a lot.

W6 de di3nn2o j～ngch1ng s@j～.

我的电脑经常死机。

Tech support： It may have been infected with a virus. What anti-virus software do you use？

K0n9ng sh# zh7ngd% le， n@ y7ng de sh# sh9nme sh`d% ru2nji3n？

可能是中毒了，你用的是什么殺毒软件？

Here follows a whole lecture of anti-virus software reviews. Its so long that you want to say： “I dont care， just tell me which one to get.” Or he will suggest：

You opened too many files at the same time and your computers configuration is too outdated; its time for an upgrade.

N@ t5ngsh！ d2k`i de w9nji3n t3i du4， di3nn2o de p-izh# g8n b% sh3ng， g`i g8ngx～n hu3nd3i le.

你同时打开的文件太多，电脑的配置跟不上，该更新换代了。

And then your IT wizard will tell you all about 中央处理器 （zh4ngy`ng ch^l@q#， CPU）， 内存条 （n-ic%nti1o， memory chips）， and 显卡（xi2nk2， display card）， which you dont care about because its all witchcraft.

You： My printer stopped working.

W6 de d2y#nj～ b& g4ngzu7 le.

我的打印机不工作了。

Tech support： Have you tried connecting it to another computer？

N@ y6u m9i y6u li1nji8 d3o l#ng y# t1i di3nn2o shang sh# yi sh#？

你有没有连接到另一台电脑上试一试？

You： But I dont know how.

K0 w6 b& zh～d3o z0nme n7ng.

可我不知道怎么弄。

They sigh and throw you a disappointed look once again before getting to it. All the while， you wonder why they arent more grateful; after all， its simpletons like yourself that keep them employed. But tech support only serves to remind you how stupid you are—until theres a problem they cant fix. Then its the fault of the technology， internet dragons， or some such rot.

You： My internet connection is unstable. It keeps breaking off. I often cant even open a web page.

W6 de w2nglu7 t-bi9 k2， l2o di3oxi3n， j～ngch1ng li1n w2ngy- d4u d2buk`i.

我的网络特别卡，老掉线，经常连网页都打不开。

Tech support： Try to clean the cache and reconnect to the network.

Sh#shi q～ngl@ hu2nc%n， z3i ch5ngx～n li1nji8 w2nglu7.

试试清理缓存，再重新连接网络。

They will try a few things but when those dont work， youll be told to take it up with your 网络运营商 （w2nglu7 y&ny！ngsh`ng， internet service provider）. At this point you just have to accept that you are in China where the internet speed is generally， shall we say， torturous.

At the end of the day， with all your ignorance and indifference to computers， the most useful piece of advice you may get from tech support is an old adage from the very beginning of technology：

Have you tried turning it off and on again？

N@ sh# guo ch5ngq@ ma？

你试过重启吗？