A NOT-SO-MODEST PRO POSAL

孙佳慧

A primer for popping the ultimate question

求婚大作戰：霸道总裁型、暖男型、文艺青年型……希望有一款适合你

Making the decision to get hitched is one of the biggest decisions someone can make—a magic door to your new life as a husband or wife. So， you should probably take care with how you knock on said door. You dont want to knock too softly and you certainly dont want to go barging through. The goal of a proposal is one word： “yes”， and if you really want to get it， youre going to need more than the obligatory ring and a fancy candle-lit dinner. Youre going to need some words to go along with it.

Obviously， there isnt a standard template for a proposal. Your little speech can be romantic or realistic， dramatic or calm， serious or humorous. As Deng Xiaoping says，

“It doesnt matter whether the cat is black or white， as long as it catches mice.”

The “bossy-boss” （霸道总裁，b3d3o z6ngc1i） style is definitely one of the most popular types of proposal nowadays. For this， we can blame popular TV romances aimed at women， featuring the ideal that the man should be powerful， masculine， and a little bit of a control freak. Toughness is the new sexy and a non-negotiable proposal represents， for some ungodly reason， deep and sincere love.

The bossy-boss： Listen to me. I will say this only once and wont take no for an answer.

T～ng h2o le， w6 zh@ shu4 y！ c#. N@ b&x^ shu4 b&.

听好了， 我只说一次。你不许说不。

Woman： What？

Sh9nme sh#？

什么事？

B： I want to marry you.

W6 y3o q^ n@.

我要娶你。

W： Uh…

E……

呃……

B： Do you need to consider that long

to say yes？

X$y3o k2ol_ n3me ji^ ma？

需要考虑那么久吗？

A “bossy-boss” shows confidence， so using imperative sentence structure is， well， imperative. And remember： never wait for the answer. Honestly， its a risky move because， if you propose to someone like a mob boss looking for protection money， theres always the chance she might just say “no” and walk away. Theres not a whole lot of wiggle room afterward.

The 暖男 （nu2nn1n）， or “sunshine man”， is another type： gentle， sweet， always know their way into your heart. They think about you all the time and know everything about you. As such， their proposal style features， inevitably， a promise to take care of you forever. Much like a state-media editorial or an evangelical preacher， they usually start off with a statement that they are the only ones who truly understand you.

You are struggling in this city， renting a small apartment， working hard. I know it isnt easy.

N@ y！ g- r9n z3i zh- zu7 ch9ngsh# l@ f-nd7u， z$zhe xi2of1ngzi， g4ngzu7 y0 h0n x～nk^. W6 zh～d3o zh- b#ng b& r5ngy#.

你一个人在这座城市里奋斗，租着小房子，工作也很辛苦。我知道这并不容易。

Please let me take care of you in the future. I can make you happy. Will you marry me？

Z3i w-il1i q@ng r3ng w6 zh3og& n@ ba. W6 n9ng g0i n@ x#ngf%. Ji3 g0i w6 h2o ma？

在未来请让我照顾你吧。我能给你幸福。嫁给我好吗？

But， to be honest， that sort of cloying emotion is enough to make some want to reach for a barf bag. So， when it comes to the文艺青年（w9ny# q～ngni1n）， or artsy youth， being a sweetheart isnt good enough. Their proposal is all about the spiritual world—the soul， destiny， the completion of life itself. If youre waiting on a proposal from this sort， get ready for some famous quotes.

People say "marriage is the tomb of love". But if I could take you with me， I would go there without hesitation.

R9nmen d4u shu4， “H$ny～n sh# 3iq！ng de f9nm&”. D3nsh# r%gu6 n9ng h9 n@ z3i y#q@， w6 hu# h1o b& y5uy& de z6u j#n q&.

人们都说，婚姻是“爱情的坟墓“。但是如果能和你在一起，我会毫不犹豫地走进去。

I know what youre thinking： tomb？ Really？ You and me in a tomb？ Hang on， the gushing isnt over.

It was the 500 glances from the previous life that we threw at each other that led to our acquaintance in this life. Its destiny that I met you. You are the other half of my soul. Will you marry me？”

Qi1nsh# w^b2i c# de hu！m5u c1i hu3nde j～nsh8ng de y！ c# c` ji`n 9r gu7. Y&ji3n n@ sh# m#ng zh4ng zh&d#ng. N@ ji&sh# w6 l！ngh%n de l#ng y！ b3n. N@ yu3ny# ji3 g0i w6 ma？

前世五百次的回眸才换得今生的一次擦肩而过。遇见你是命中注定。你就是我灵魂的另一半。你愿意嫁给我吗？

For some that sort of thing is romantic; others， well， prefer their suitor eschew the dead body metaphors altogether.

Of course， you cant expect such a poetic presentation from everyone. Like being traded for cattle and land rights in the past， marriage can be political and economical. They may just have breakfast with their girlfriends as usual， and make the offer naturally， just like talking about the weather.

Man： Maybe we should get married. Then， we can have breakfast together every day.

Hu7x^ w6men y～ngg`i ji9h$n. N3y3ng dehu3， w6men ji& k0y@ m0iti`n y#q@ ch～ z2oc`n le.

或許我们应该结婚。那样的话，我们就可以每天一起吃早餐了。

Woman： What？

Sh9nme？

什么？

Man： I said we should get married. You see， you rent an apartment and I rent another one. If we get married， we can live together and save half of the money.

W6 shu4 w6men y～ngg`i ji9h$n. N@ k3n， xi3nz3i n@ z$ y# ji`n g4ngy&， w6 y0 z$ y# ji`n. R%gu6 w6men ji9h$n le， w6men ji& k0y@ zh& z3i y#q@， sh0ngxi3 y！ b3n de qi1n.

我说我们应该结婚。你看，现在你租一间公寓，我也租一间。如果我们结婚了，我们就可以住在一起，省下一半的钱。

This style is extremely risky. First of all， you need to make sure that she knows youre joking （note： you should be joking）. You should also know for sure whether or not shes the type of girl who really wants a ring， flowers， all that nonsense and， most importantly， how much money you can get out of subleasing that extra apartment.

The last type of proposal is that of a dramatic speech， the key points of which are as follows： I love you; I need you; I cant live without you. This is also the realm of the diva—countless candles， a thousand roses， playing guitar， singing loudly， shouting the girls name to a balcony. The more onlookers they can attract， in their mind， the better.

Hey， can you come down？ I have something important to tell you！

H8i！ N@ n9ng xi3l5u y！ t3ng ma ？ W6 y6u zh7ngy3o de sh# du# n@ shu4！

嘿！你能下樓一趟吗？我有重要的事对你说！

At this point， you can probably figure out whats so “important”. Happily or reluctantly， the soon-to-be-proposed goes down， if for no other reason than to spare the neighbors the noise.

They take a deep breath， and kneel down suddenly.

Please marry me！

G8n w6 ji9h$n ba！

跟我结婚吧！

Automatically， for some unknown reason， any onlookers applaud， whistle， and kick up a fuss. Dont fool yourself， thats pressure. Really， an insane amount of pressure. Because， if you say no—whether its because you dont really like them or because theyre an idiot who just spent a months salary on roses—everyone in the crowd wants you to say the magic word. But， some women can still stay strong.

Can you give me some time？

G0i w6 y# di2nr sh！ji`n k2ol_ h2o ma？

给我一点儿时间考虑好吗？

You might think youre out of it for now， but a persistent man will stay on his knees and say：

If you dont say yes， I wont stand up！

R%gu6 n@ b& d`ying， w6 j～nti`n ji& b& q@l1i！

如果你不答应，我今天就不起来！

Whether you come at your beloved with a ballsy business pitch， a bullying betrothal， or the boisterous call of the besotted， be prepared to get an answer you dont want.