A Greater Debt to Pay

By Aaron A.Vessup

世上本不存在不公平，心生不同便有了区别对待。同为人类，白人和黑人受到的待遇却存在很大差异。Aaron Vessup通过自己的亲身经历向我们阐明了这一点。如今的他正试图用自己的力量改变这个现状，让世界还黑人一个公道。路漫漫其修远兮，他真的能做到吗？

“Burn Baby, Burn!” was a popular song played at most parties and on some radio stations when I was a student during the 1960s, and these things were happening around the world. People were upset at the directions their different worlds were going: the unfair rules, unequal job opportunities,corporate malfeasance, police brutality,1. malfeasance: 渎职，违法行为；brutality:暴行。so they were directing their anger at symbols of the “establishment”. Many of these people were minority2. minority: 少数的。citizens,members of the so-called “black community”. I suppose a compelling part of my then uniqueness is that I am from a family of seventeen. My father was a Pentecostal “fundamentalist preacher”, and church pastor.3. Pentecostal: 圣灵降临节的（圣灵降临节又称五旬节，是基督教节日，为纪念耶稣复活后差遣圣灵降临而举行的庆祝节日）；fundamentalist: 基要主义的，基要主义是近现代基督教神学思潮之一；preacher: 传教士；pastor: 牧师。We had no choice when it came to religious beliefs, and we had no escape from the physical and mental abuse suffered inside our house let alone in the outside world.4. 涉及宗教信仰时，我们别无选择。我们无法躲避在自己家所遭受的身体和精神上的虐待，更别提在外面了。abuse:虐待；let alone: 更不必说。I became very familiar with many forms of family violence. Although within our church physical “non-violence” was exhorted, the psychological mental warfare was perfected to a high level of destructiveness.5. 虽然我们的教会劝诫身体上的“非暴力”，但心理和精神上的摧残却已达到了一定境界。exhort: 劝诫；warfare: 冲突；destructiveness: 破坏性。

I have not always been committed to the use of words and nonviolence as tools for change. In my youth I had been a playground “bully6. bully: 恃强凌弱者，恶霸。”, I viewed myself as the cowboy “Marshall” or “peacemaker” who settled problems among my peers at school with my fists. However, I often found myself being paddled in the Principal’s office with threats to be formally kicked out of school and sent home as a result.7. 不过，我经常被叫到校长办公室遭受殴打，被威胁说这样做的后果就是学校会正式开除我，把我遣送回家。paddle: v. 打。Unfortunately, at home things were violent as well since my father was quite explosive and demanding, and I was frequently whipped, punched, and my body bloodied for talking too loudly, or merely looking at my parents in a manner that made them feel I was even thinking a rebellious thought.8.不幸的是，我父亲性格暴躁，甚为苛刻，所以家里也充满了暴力。如果我说话太大声，或是父母觉得我看他们的样子让他们觉得我有一丝叛逆的想法，他们就会用鞭子抽我，用拳头打我，使我伤痕累累。demanding: 苛刻的；whip: 鞭打；punch: 用拳头猛击；rebellious: 反叛的。My parents rationalized that they simply were beating me to “Save me from the policeman’s bullet!” “God’s word dictates that we use the whip on you accordingly.”9. rationalize: 为……找借口；bullet: 子弹；dictate:指示。Frequently I was whipped in tandem fashion10. in tandem fashion: 以一前一后的方式。by both of my parents. To them, in the “real world” it did not matter whether I had broken any laws or committed any crimes, being black was sufficient to place a target on my back for the police to aim their weapons. Implicit also in this message was that all white people were only happy if black people were dead. Internalizing11. internalize: 使深藏心底。these and other messages, I began writing poetry and also jogging. I loved running while wrestling with issues on the home front, with the white Jesus who had become inculcated in my brain as demanding sacrifices, and with the unfair reach of the law.12. 面对家庭的纷争，那些灌输于我头脑的“白人上帝”所要求的牺牲理念，以及不公平的法律，我喜欢通过跑步来思考这些问题。on the home front: 家庭方面；wrestle with: 设法解决；inculcate: 灌输，谆谆教诲。For my mental stability I ran a lot. There also seemed to be an“escape” offered in sports activities.

Luckily for me, when I was nearly drowning13. drown: 淹死。in our High School swimming pool, a white classmate whom I did not know, jumped into the pool and saved me. During this episode I could clearly see the white gym teacher standing at the edge impassively watching.14. episode: 一个事件，一段经历；impassively: 无动于衷地。To this day I never knew the identity of my student rescuer. At this school there were very few cross-cultural contacts visible. Minority group members were simply invisible unless involved in sports.Everyone acted hush-hush15. hush-hush: 极秘密的。about the incident. I was quite embarrassed. So we all acted as if nothing had happened. But I had become so shaken by this event that I withdrew from the swim class, and never went near water until well into my adulthood, some fifteen or twenty years later. However, not only had a white youth saved my life, but also many years later another white student within one of my own speech classes taught me how to swim. I had long ago accepted the fact that not all white people were my enemy.

Another stroke of good fortune to befall16. befall: 降临于，发生到……身上。me was public speaking competition.Through my participation on college and university debate teams, I learned early a more civilized way of fighting to address my grievances17. grievance: 不满，委屈。. Communicating with words instead of using force is a skill that I wanted to enhance. Although I had some early successes in district and state competitions, I knew that there were more skills to be learned in the communications field. Thus, I continued fighting to reach the national finals in speech competition. Later, as university professor on various campuses I have been able to coach18. coach: 指导。other student winners who happened to be black and white.

Our early elementary school teachers inspired in us the dream of even becoming the president of the United States. I held on to this dream for years, before realizing that first, I was not “pure” and untainted19. untainted: 无污点的。enough. I did not have a life without blemishes20. blemish: 污点。. At that time I had at least one failed marriage.Second, later the realities of life clearly demonstrated that my life had not been tainted enough. I would never be in the mainstream on the road to governmental leadership, nor was this goal now even desirable. For the past twelve years or so,I have been a simple world traveler and retired teacher, who does not want to become just another meaningless statistic.Nor do I want to be a destructive torch-bearer21. torch-bearer: 火炬接力者。seeking to burn things down. While some of my brothers have been incarcerated22. incarcerate: 监禁。, I have not lost faith in positively affecting change. Yet, my continued small contribution to the cultural milieu23. milieu: 周围环境，社会环境。seems minimal. I still write hoping to access more networks to build bridges of understanding. I have not given up on the idea to open or create cultural channels for communications between groups in conflict with each other. This childhood dream lives on.

I believe that I have a purpose to contribute to the survival of mankind in some meaningful way. Within me is a hope that I can be some kind of ambassador for peace, serving the great family of brothers and sisters of the world in a way no other person can do or imagine. Writing poetry, academic textbooks, and classroom teaching are not enough. Running away from problems has also never been a lasting solution. I want to play a part on the world’s the problem intervention media stage to positively address issues of social harmony.24. intervention: 介入，调停；address: 解决。I am a citizen of the world, my life is not my own. I cannot be blamed for what the United States government has or has not done to my own communities of people: Native Americans, African Americans,and Citizens of the world. Today my dream remains to use my inner fires to bring“light” to others to help constructing a world with less fear, less anger, and perhaps less military conflict.