学生习作名师点评

My Family

My name is Shi Ruqin. I am from a workers family. There are six peoples① in my family. They are my grandfather， my grandmother， my father， my mother， my sister and I.

Every member in my family works hard. My grandfather and grandmother are farmers. They do farm work everyday② in my hometown. My father is a senior engineer. He is now working in Africa， helping to build a power station. My mother is a teacher. She teaches English in a middle school. My sister， six years older than me， is a student in Shandong University. She does good③ in her lessons and all her teachers like her. I am a student in Yangying Middle School. I am in Class Four， Grade One. I am good in④ English and math. I want to be a policeman when I grow up.

This is my family. All the members in my family live in harmony. We love each other deeply.

山东省梁山县杨营中学七年级 石汝勤

1. 优点：

文章对家庭每个成员的情况介绍得当，引言段总说了家庭的组成，扩充段分别介绍家庭各成员，以由老到少为顺序，结尾段以“和睦相处”等语句作总结，具有概括性。

2. 需要修改的地方：

① peoples去掉s， people本身为复数名词;

② everyday改为every day。everyday是形容词，后面可以直接跟名词，而every day是短语，一般作副词讲，放在句首或句末，用来修饰整个句子;

③ good改为well;

④ in改为at， be good at意为“擅长……”。

3. 评分：

按中考英语作文满分15分的评分标准，本文修改前可得12分。

A Visit to Golden Hill Park

In my hometown， there is a famous park—Golden Hill Park.

One spring morning， my classmates and I went to visit the park. What a nice spring day it was！ All the flowers were at their best.

When we got at① the gate of the park， a beautiful picture came into view. The flowers smiled at us. Some fish with red tails swam happy② in the lake. Along the road we came to a grand temple. Two stone lions sat opposite to each other. A fat man looked at us smiling from ear to ear. Then we stepped into the long corridor， which was divided into eleven rooms. Beside the rooms， a newly-built beautiful temple came into our eyes. Suddenly we heard a clear ring of a bell， then we looked up. For③ our surprise， the big bell would ring whenever the wind was blowing.

What made us most excited was to climb the hill. It took us more than twenty minutes to climb the hill. Standing at the top of the hill， we found what④ beautiful the city was. The new buildings were countless. The white clouds floated above our heads. It was time for us to return home. We all felt excited.

山东省梁山县杨营中学初二 石丽萍

1. 优点：

本文写的是春天游览金山，写出了公园精致的景观和迷人的春色。层次清楚，描写细腻。形象具体，给人留下深刻的的印象。

2. 需要修改的地方：

① at改为to，get to意思为“到达……”，词组的固定搭配;

② happy改为happily;副词happily修饰动词swam;

③ for改为to，意为“让某人吃惊的是……”;

④ what改为how;注意区别由what和how引导的感叹句：how + adj./ adv. +主语 +谓语+

其他部分;what + a/ an + adj. + n. + 主语+谓语+其他部分或what + adj. + n.（复数名词或不可数名词）+主语+谓语+其他部分。

3. 评分：

按中考英语作文满分15分的评分标准，本文修改前可得12分。