Dear Dad， You

2015-05-30张玲

新东方英语·中学版 2015年6期

张玲

也许有时候爸爸太过急躁，也许有时候爸爸太过强硬，也许有时候爸爸太过笨拙，也许有时候爸爸太过……也许，还有许多地方爸爸做得并不够好。但是，透过下面这封爸爸的自责信，你或许会发现爸爸有一点确信无疑做得够好，那就是——他爱我们，从不曾改变，从不会改变。

亲爱的爸爸：

You're doing it all wrong.

Eleven years ago， the doctors handed you a little， pink bundle of vulnerability1）. You were 26 years old， and you walked out of the hospital entirely responsible for a brand new human being. A whole person. As if that were a totally sane thing to let you do. It scared you. They eventually handed you two more little people. It was supposed to get a little easier each time.

It didn't.

You never got less afraid. You never got more certain about how to be a dad. So you decided to make it up along the way. You can stop feeling bad about that—it's what everybody else is doing， too. The problem is， you improvised2） by listening to the voices in the world around you， instead of listening to the voice coming from the world within you. You can forgive yourself for that， too. The voices around you are loud and persuasive.

They told you achievement matters most. So you stressed about school districts and kindergarten homework and guitar recitals3）. You secretly kept score in your head at first grade soccer games. You thought scoring goals was the goal of life.

But can you remember？

Can you remember what it was like to be just a few years out of diapers4） and to score a goal on the soccer field？ You didn't care about the score and you didn't start planning for your future soccer scholarship. No， you whipped5） your head around to be sure they were looking. The real goal was to be seen. The real goal was to have someone to celebrate with.

Dad， you can stop spending all your time trying to get them into school， and you can start taking the time to walk them to school.

They told you good parents give their kids great experiences. So you turned yourself into an event planner and an amateur chauffeur6）. You signed them up for camps， sampled7） extracurricular activities like a smorgasbord8） and went to every possible program and event. You went to Legoland9） because you thought you had to. And then you wondered why the kids were tired and cranky10） and unhappy.

Outward experience is where we find thrills， but inward experience is where we find a home.

Dad， your kids don't need you to help them live the fullest life； they need you to help them find the deepest life. You don't have to show them the world； you just have to listen to the world going on inside of them.

They gave you technology and told you to give it to your kids. So you threw technology at the kids， because you didn't trust it would be enough to throw a ball with them. Yet， notice how they melt down when a device is taken away from them—they want more because it leaves them hungry for the thing they truly need. They can't connect with a Kindle. An iPod can't help them feel like they are OK and everything will be OK. Only a parent can do that.

Not with a bunch of presents， but with a bunch of presence.

Dear Dad， I just watched a movie that ended with this thought： "We don't seize the moment； the moments seize us." Dad， you're doing it all wrong. Stop trying to seize every moment. Stop trying to make your children's lives extraordinary. Instead， allow every ordinary moment to seize you. Your kids' lives are unfolding one moment at a time， and the thing they want most is also the thing they need most.

They want you to be a witness. To their passing moments.

They want you to pay attention. To their fleeting lives.

Dad， it may be just another hurried Tuesday morning to you， but to them it's another morning to wonder if you notice. Another morning to wonder if they'll have a place to belong. Another morning to wonder if they are beloved. Another morning to wonder about the purpose of this one wild life. Another morning for you to join them in all of their becoming. Another morning in which you are the most important man they know.

I'm guessing that may be a little overwhelming.

Be overwhelmed， Dad.

Let the moments roll over you and be overwhelmed by the sacredness and transience11） of every single one. Pay attention like their lives depend upon it， because they feel like their lives do depend upon it.

Be still. Notice. Join.

In the end， Dad， it may be the only part of being a dad that really matters.

With love，

You

你全都做错了。

11年前，医生们将一个小小的粉红色襁褓交到你手中，里面裹着一个脆弱的生命。那时你26岁，你走出医院，从此要为一个全新的小生命、一个完完整整的人负起全部责任，好像那是让你去做一件完全合情合理的事儿。这让你心生恐惧。他们最终又交给你两个小人儿，照理应该一次比一次更容易才对。

但实际情况并非如此。

你的害怕从未减少过。对于如何做一个父亲，你也从未变得更有把握。所以你决定一路走一路弥补。你可以不用再为此而感到不安——其他人也都是这么做的。问题是，你会在听到周围世界的那些声音后即兴做一些事情，而没有倾听来自你内心世界的那个声音。在这一方面你也可以原谅自己，你周围的各种声音太响亮也太有说服力了。

人们告诉你成绩最重要，所以你为学区、幼儿园作业和吉他演奏会而感到压力山大。你暗自把一年级足球比赛的得分记在脑子里，因为你认为进球得分就是人生目标。

但是，你现在还记得吗？

你还记得自己刚不穿纸尿裤短短几年后是什么样子吗？还记得那会儿在足球场上进球是怎样的情形吗？你并不关心得分，也没开始为你未来的足球奖学金做计划。你没有做这些，而是着急地四处张望，好确定爸爸妈妈正在看你。真正的目标是，被关注。真正的目标是，有人和你一起庆祝。

爸爸，你不必再把全部时间都用来想办法让孩子们去学校，你可以开始花时间陪孩子们一起走路上学。

人们告诉你，称职的父母会给孩子非凡的经历。于是，你将自己变成了一位活动策划人兼业余司机。你为他们报名参加宿营，体验各种像大杂烩一样的课外活动，参加每一个合适的项目和活动。你（带着孩子们）去了乐高乐园，因为你觉得必须去。然后你就疑惑了，为什么孩子们觉得疲惫、暴躁还不开心？

外在的经历给人激情，但内心的体验才让人找到归宿。

爸爸，你的孩子们不需要你帮他们过上最充实的生活，他们需要你帮助他们找到生命最深刻的意义。你不需要向他们展示这个世界，你只需要聆听存在于他们内心的那个世界。

人们给你高科技产品，告诉你把它给你的孩子们。于是你就把高科技产品扔给了孩子们，因为你相信和他们玩扔球是不够的。但是，请注意，当你将一个电子设备从他们身边拿走时，他们是如何抓狂崩溃的——他们想要更多，因为这些高科技产品让他们更渴望得到他们真正需要的东西。他们不能和Kindle电子书阅读器交流。一个iPod音乐播放器不能帮助他们自我感觉良好，也不会让他们觉得一切都会好起来。只有为人父母的人才能做到这些。

不是靠一大堆礼物，而是靠时常陪伴左右。

亲爱的爸爸，我刚看了一部电影，结果给了我一个启迪：“我们抓不住时光，而时光却能俘获我们。”爸爸，你全都做错了。别再试图抓住每一个瞬间了，别再试图让孩子们的生活非同寻常了。相反，让每一个普普通通的瞬间俘获你吧。你的孩子们的生命长卷正在一幅一幅地展开，他们最想要的也正是他们最需要的。

他们希望你能够见证，见证他们逝去的时光。

他们希望你给予关注，关注他们稍纵即逝的生活。

爸爸，对你来说，这可能只是又一个忙乱的周二早晨。但对他们来说，这是又一个他们想知道你是不是关注他们的早晨，是又一个他们想知道在你心中是否有属于他们位置的早晨，是又一个他们想知道你是否爱他们的早晨，也是又一个他们想知道这样疯狂的生活到底目的何在的早晨。对你而言，在这样一个早晨，你又一次参与了他们的成长变化；在这样一个早晨，你是他们认识的最重要的人。

我猜那也许会有些令人应接不暇。

那就应接不暇吧，爸爸。

让那些生活点滴将你席卷，让每一个神圣和短暂的瞬间将你淹没。关注孩子们，就像他们的生活依赖于你的关注那样，因为他们的确觉得你的关注是他们的生活所依！

静下心，关注他们，融入他们。

总而言之，爸爸，这或许才是爸爸这个角色唯一真正重要的部分。

爱你的

你

1. vulnerability [?v?ln?r??b?l?ti] n. 易受伤害；脆弱

2. improvise [??mpr?va?z] vt. （无准备、无计划地）临时做

3. recital [r??sa?tl] n. （音乐）独奏会

4. diaper [?da??p?（r）] n. （婴儿的）尿布

5. whip [w?p] vt. （使……）快速移动