机器人狂想曲

by Oliver Miller

翻译：小狐

机器人狂想曲

IF I WERE A ROBOT

by Oliver Miller

翻译：小狐

什么是“脑洞大开”？

看完本文，你就知道什么才是真正的“脑洞大开”！首先，主人公是一个人，然后他假设自己是一个机器人，住在英格兰海岸边的一个农舍里，梦想着成为一只猫咪，一只不被主人赏识的猫咪。很奇特吧？这样奇葩的脑回路，加上令人忍俊不禁的细节描写，让这曲机器人狂想曲显得欢快激昂。

If I were a robot, I would probably not kill all humans. Emphasis[强调]on the “probably” part, because I’m not making any absolute guarantees[保证]about my behavior[行为]as a robot. I wouldn’t want to limit myself in that way. I don’t necessarily know what I’d be like as a robot. And while I don’t want to kill all humans now, who knows how I’ll feel once I’m in robotic[机器人的]form?

Like, say I’m a robot and I go to see that movie The Artist, and then someone’s like, “Hey, robot Oliver, did you like that movie The Artist?”

And I’d say, “Like? Such a comment[评论]does not input[输入]with me. It was a succession[一连串]of filmed images projected[投射]at 28 frames[帧]per second. I chose to watch it in infrared[红外线]because I never get to use my infrared goggles[护目镜].”

“Yeah, but did you like it?” whoever will say.

“Like?” I’d say, and Jesus, do you see how annoying[令人恼火的]this conversation is getting already? I’d kill the person to make it stop and then I’d have to go kill all the other humans to avoid[避免]getting in trouble for killing the original[最初的]human. Anyway, where was I?

如果我是个机器人的话，我可能不会杀光全人类。重点在“可能”这个部分，因为作为一个机器人，我可没法对自己的行为做绝对的保证。我也不想那样限制自己的自由。我不太需要知道自己作为一个机器人会是什么样子。而且尽管我现在还不想杀死全人类，谁知道一旦我进入机器人模式后，我的感觉会是怎样的呢？

比如说，我是个机器人，去看那部名为《艺术家》的电影，接着某人说道：“嗨，机器人奥利弗，你喜欢那部叫《艺术家》的电影吗？”

而我会说：“喜欢？我可没被输入过这样的评论。它就是一连串拍摄好的影像被以每秒二十八帧的速度投射出来。我之所以选择以红外线模式观看它，只是因为我从来没用过我的红外线护目镜而已。”

“是啊，但你喜欢它吗？”其他随便什么人会说。

“喜欢？”我会说，天啊，你没发现这样的对话已经变得多么让人厌烦了吗？我会杀掉那个家伙来停止这段对话，但接着我将不得不杀掉其他所有人类，以便摆脱最初杀掉那个人所带来的麻烦。哦，我说到哪里了？

After killing the humans, I think I’d build a cottage[小农舍]with a thatched[茅草盖的]roof, on the coast of England somewhere, by the cliffs of Dover. I’ve always wanted to live in a cottage, and as a robot, I’d have time to build one. Because the thing about being a robot is that you don’t get old and you don’t die, so you have time to do stuff…And then, once the cottage was done, I’d read all the great books, I guess, while not really“liking” them or understanding them…

在杀掉这些人类之后，我想我会在英格兰海岸边的某个地方建一个茅草屋顶的小农舍，就在多佛悬崖附近。我以前一直想要住在一间小农舍里，而作为一个机器人，我有时间来建一个。因为作为一个机器人的好处就是，你不会老，也不会死，所以你有时间来干活……接着，等农舍建好后，我猜我将会阅读所有的伟大书籍，虽然并不能真的“喜欢”或理解它们……

God, being a robot sounds awful, actually, when you think about it. Never getting old? Never dying? The thought sounds appealing[吸引人的]for one, two seconds. But then, what meaning does life have if one can never taste death and other such existential[存在的]questions? Not being able to die would be like never being able to go to sleep…Have you ever thought about that, never being able to go to sleep? This is actually a parable[寓言]that you’re not totally getting; but don’t worry about that, not right now. Anyway—not being able to sleep. It’d be awful. Things would go on and on. Robots never sleep.

Instead of being a robot who can’t sleep like that, I’d rather be a cat. A little kitty. Oh, I’d be a good cat; the best cat you’ve ever seen. I’d be a tortoise-shell[龟甲]. I wouldn’t be an indoor cat, but I wouldn’t be an outdoor cat either, not exactly. I’d be inbetween, just a cat, but my owners would have a cat-house on the porch with an electric blanket[电热毯]for when it got cold, so that I could be not-inside, but also nearby at all times. And there, I would dream my dreamy cat dreams. First, you fex[收缩]your cat paws, then you pounce[猛扑]and catch the mouse, but you’re just dreaming the whole time, well, aren’t you?

天啊，成为一个机器人听起来糟透了，真的，当你好好想想的时候。永远也不会老？永远也不会死？这个想法听起来很有吸引力——在那么一两秒的时间里。但再想想，如果一个人永远品尝不到死亡以及其他这种关于存在的问题时，生命还有什么意义呢？永远不会死将会像永远不能睡觉一样……你有没有想过这个问题呢，永远不能睡觉？这就像是一个你不能完全理解的寓言一样；但是不要担心那个问题了，至少现在还不用。无论如何——不能睡觉，那会很糟糕的。万物周而复始。机器人永远不能睡觉。

我宁愿变成一只猫，而不是一个像那样不能睡觉的机器人。一只小猫咪。噢，我会变成一只乖猫的；你所见过的最好的猫。我会缩在一个龟壳里。我不会是一只室内宅猫，但我也不会是一只户外野猫，不完全是。我会在两者之间，就是只猫，但天冷的时候，我的主人们要在门廊上放置一个带有电热毯的猫窝，这样我可以不用宅在屋里，却又总是在附近溜达。在猫窝里，我可以做着我的梦幻猫咪美梦。首先，你要收起你的猫爪子，接着猛扑过去抓住老鼠，但你只不过是一直在做着美梦呢，嗯，对吧？

For breakfast, I would eat breakfast, and then I would hunt. I’d catch baby bunnies[小兔子]in the yard; they’re very prevalent[普遍的]in the Spring; more baby bunnies than you could ever imagine. I would catch one and then leave it on my master’s porch—you have this expectant[期待的]look when you leave them a bunny or a mouse, but then, you’re always disappointed. With your tender[温柔的]eyes, you’re like—Look! Look please at what I have done! But then the children just turn away, appalled[惊骇的], and then it’s all very disappointing.

And after that, I’d sleep again, and fex, but I’m not a cat, am I?

I’m not a cat. I’m a robot. I was a robot the whole time. It was a dream that I had; I lied when I said that robots couldn’t sleep.

I was a robot the whole time, living on the coast of England, dreaming that I was a cat. It’s just a dream; sad. A single cybernetic[控制论的]tear trickles[滴]down my aluminum-alloy[铝合金]cheek.

对于早餐，我会吃早餐的，接着我会去狩猎。我会在院子里逮兔宝宝；它们在春天里到处都是；兔宝宝比你能想象的要多得多了。我会逮住一个，然后把它留在我主人家的门廊上——当你给他们留下一只兔子或老鼠时，你会有这种期待的样子，但接下来，你总是会失望。带着那温柔的眼神，你会像是——看啊！请看看我干了些什么！但随后，孩子们只会转过身去，惊慌失措，接下来一切都会让人非常失望了。

在那之后，我会再去睡觉，蜷缩起来，但我并不是只猫，对吧？

我不是只猫。我是个机器人。我一直都是个机器人。那不过是我所做的一个梦；当我说机器人不能睡觉时，我撒谎了。

我一直都是个机器人，住在英格兰的海岸边，梦想自己是只猫。那只不过是个梦，一个悲伤的梦。一滴机器人的眼泪滑下我的铝合金面颊。