短文写作

刘习文

【试题呈现】

请根据以下提示，并结合事例，用英语写一篇短文。词数不少于120字.

Only when we match our words with actions can we make a difference in what we hope to accomplish.

【审题点拨】

这是一篇开放性话题作文，与近几年高考命题特点相符，同学们可以灵活表达，但应该注意：

1. 布局好”三段式”结构，首段开门见山，直接陈述观点，第二段通过事例加以说明，举例例证，要在“为什么”上深入开掘；第三段总结并深化自己的观点。此类命题具有思辨性写作特点，就是要一分为二地展开分析，要有思维的深度，否则就是泛泛而谈。

2. 重点要放在有效运用所学语言知识，准确使用高级词汇和复杂的句式结构上。

3. 关键是要清楚连贯地传递信息，要注意句与句、段与段之间的过渡语或衔接词的运用，起承转合，行文流畅，一气呵成。

【习作一】

Everyone has his or her own dream during the lifetime. However， only a part of people achieve what they dreamed in the beginning. Whether one matches his or her words with action really makes a difference.

When I first entered the high school， my ambition was to be the first one in my class. With great enthusiasm， I made a lot of plans for studying. However， it was so lazy of me to study hard. I nearly forgot what I had made in previous time. After a term， my grade just became worse， which hurt me a lot. Having been blamed by my parents and teachers， I started to try to find myself. Determined to accomplish my goal， I spared no effort to get more knowledge. Eventually， it paid off.

It is really important for all of us to match our words with actions. Only in this way can we lead a happy and successful life.

这是一篇中档习作。其优点是：

1. 本文条理性强，布局合理，段落层次分明，“三段式”特点突出。

2. 作者尝试使用了一些复杂的句式结构，如：名词性从句使句子之间自然巧妙地连接起来，避免文章平淡无味；灵活运用了非谓语形式，使句子简洁高级。

Whether... really makes a difference.（主语从句）

When I first entered... （状语从句）

...， my ambition was to be the first one in my class. （不定式作表语）

...， which hurt me a lot. （定语从句）

...， it was so lazy of me to study hard. （不定式复合结构）

Having been blamed...， （现在分词）

Determined to achieve... （过去分词做状语）

Only in this way can we lead ...（倒装句）

3. 作者还运用了一些高级词汇、短语和表达法，如：enthusiasm， spared no effort， pay off， lead a...life. With great enthusiasm。

不足之处是：

1. 首段表达观点的语言还需提炼。如改为As an old saying goes， actions speak louder than words. Whoever hopes to have his dream realized should match his words with actions.

或 As is universally acknowledged， there is no doubt that we cant make a difference if we dont match our words with actions. As a consequence， only when we work with actions can we transform our goals into reality.

2. 第二段举例证明观点时，缺少自然衔接过渡。可在段落前加上如 Take my personal experience as an example.或When it comes to me， I still remember my experience.或A scene never faded away from my memory.endprint

3. 高级词汇和复杂句式结构的运用不够丰富，多样性欠缺。有些句式结构可做进一步锤炼。

【习作二】

There is no doubt that actions can make us find our way to what we hope to accomplish. It makes no sense that we say our ambitious words without actions. This reminds me of my devoted friend Bob， whose deed leaves me a strong impression.

As a matter of fact， it used to be typical of Bob to say big words. Nevertheless， he never put them into practice， which contributes to his failure in exams. The other day， he announced to the class that he would become the top student of our class. Meanwhile， some of our classmates responded with a shout of laughter， “How can you succeed without actions， Bob？” Numbed with shock， Bob left silently. What surprised us all was that Bob did bury himself in studies from then on. With great efforts， he managed to achieve his goal eventually. Now when asked about how he made it， Bob said “It is what my classmates commented on me that struck me， and then I am determined to make a change， which really makes a difference.”

Taking all aspects into consideration， I can safely draw a conclusion that it is actions that promise us a bright future. Only when we match our words with actions can we realize our dream.

这是一篇高档习作。在两小时的考试中能一气呵成写出这么长的文章，反映了作者扎实的基本功。不过这么长的文章不可取，会对整个试卷的答题时间有影响。

1. 文章布局合理，段落层次分明，有很好的条理性；整体圆润饱满，有血有肉。观点明确，例证合理，行文流畅。

2. 语法正确，表达地道，使用了很丰富的高级词汇和复杂的句式结构，而且准确、得体。如：

make no sense， ambitious， remind...of， devoted， leave a impression， be typical of， contribute to， put...into...， make it， numb， bury himself in， eventually， promise us a bright future， take...into consideration

which contributes to.... （定语从句）

There is no doubt that...

I can safely draw a conclusion that... （同位语从句）

It makes no sense that...

What surprised us all was that....（主语从句、表语从句）

Only when we...can we realize... （倒装句）

It is what my classmates commented on me that...

...Bob did bury himself... （强调句）

when asked about how...

Numbed with shock， ... （过去分词）

Taking all aspects into consideration， ... （现在分词）

it used to be typical of Bob to say big words.

... make us find our way... （不定式）

3. 有效使用了不同的连接词或过渡语，如As a matter of fact，Nevertheless，Meanwhile， With great efforts， and then…及非限制定语从句，衔接连贯，过渡自然；

4. 流畅性很好。简单句与复合句，长句与短句的结合，恰到好处；采用先短后长的句群形式，妙笔生辉；尤其最后一段，一长一短，画龙点睛。endprint