Personal Statement

主持人_王 众 邓茗文

Personal Statement

主持人_王 众 邓茗文

本期开始，《留学》的文书点评栏目邀请文书作者自己撰写对文书的回顾与评价，并奉上《留学》的私房点评。

2010年10月15日，罗切斯特大学金融学专业硕士申请个人陈述

Describe your post-M.B.A. or post-M.S. career plans. How does your past education and experience support your career objectives? What aspects of the Simon School program make it a good choice for your graduate study? Why have you chosen to apply to the Simon School for graduate study? (500 word maximum)

I want to initiate my career in a securities company as an industrial analyst, especially on the energy sector, and about five years later, to set up a Private Equity Fund to invest on new Chinese industrial growth points. I deem my goals above are feasible, aligning with my background and predicable potentials in my graduate study.①

My special interest in energy industry derives from my parents, senior engineers of a research institute affiliated to China National Petroleum Corporation. Since my childhood, I have been greatly impressed by big sums of foreign direct investment and merger, and intricate stories of overseas negotiation in Venezuela. It is from them that I have a rough idea of petroleum industry’s investment, M&A and production in South America and become greatly enthusiastic towards investment returns and risk evaluation. Consequently, in March, 2008, I chose the dual-major program in Accounting and Finance at the Ohio State University.

My college years heads towards my desired direction. Availing of accessible resources, I quickly equip myself with professional knowledge for my future career. Firstly, from a wide range of accounting courses, I further know how to analyze cash flow structure, enterprise ability to pay debt and obtain cash, earnings quality, etc. to judge enterprise financial position and further rationalize investors’ decision. Meanwhile, by financial courses and trainings, such as IB Training provided by Wall Street Training, I am informed with financial models and investment strategies. Besides, my research ability and cooperative skills cultivated from group work with international classmates are bound to serve my future career.②

王众，本科为英语专业，英国卡迪夫大学国际新闻系硕士，申请时DIY文书资料。

《留学》点评

① 该段简单利落地表明了自己毕业后的规划，并表示，凭着自己的学术背景和接下来的硕士学习，可以达成目标，很自然地过渡到学术背景上。

② 本段是中规中矩的罗列，列数了自己在本科期间的主要课程；优点在于结构紧凑、语言简洁；尤其值得借鉴的是短语使用灵活，且句式多变。

③ 本段开头很赞，“综合考量自己的利弊后，我决定强化自己的金融知识。”这表明自己学习金融既不是拜金、也不是因为自己聪明绝顶，而是真诚的需要，而且是水到渠成的事情，让申请更具说服力。不过，倒数第二句，解释“贵学院为何适合我”时，就过于简单堆砌了，甚至有敷衍之嫌。

综合简评：

本文最大的亮点是逻辑清晰简明、段与段之前的承上启下讲究；其次，作者英文功力深，语言比较地道。但或许与字数限制有关，介绍自己学术背景及实习经历的两段成了菜单式罗列。如何在简短的篇幅里最大化地秀出自己，一直是文书写作的难点。如果实在没啥好想法，那么这篇文书倒是个好榜样。

Apart from campus learning, I pursue real work environment. I successively interned in Deloitte as an audit associate and Citibank (China) Co., Ltd. as an analyst. From the first job, I savor a role of auditor and solidified my accounting knowledge in two annual audits. Meanwhile, I had a rough understanding of Chinese real estate and new energy power plant. Such as, fora traditional Chinese real estate enterprise, land reserves, amounts of deposits and loans are key parts, while the primary source of a state-owned energy enterprise is loans. While in the latter, by credit evaluation for a SOE, data analysis reports for energy enterprises and industrial analysis report for an automobile company, I became aware of Chinese petroleum, coal, electric power’s production capacity, exports, consumption, and annual expansion, etc., and initially tasted the role of analyst.

Having a realistic grasp of my strengths and weaknesses, I have to facilitate my financial knowledge, comparing with that of accounting. Meanwhile, I want to acquire additional work experience related with PE management. Therefore, it is the right time for me to pursue a graduate education in Finance. Simon, one of the world’s top-tier business schools, is close to the world financial center, therefore, which means various internships and part-time jobs. Meanwhile, your prestigious faculties of financial practitioners and guest speakers and broad financial selective courses and The Financial Management Association can update my knowledge. That’s why Simon attracts me.③

作者回顾本篇文书的得失

这是本人在2010年申请美国罗彻斯特大学时提交的个人陈述。申请题目比较中规中矩，是典型的职业目标、学术经历及“为什么申请我校”的“三段式”结构，因此，我也按照该顺序行文，没有进行结构上的创 新。

文章重点放在第二部分“教育背景/经历”，因为几乎所有人都不会否认“过去的行为是对一个人未来行为的推测”，美国人当然也不例外。这部分最重要的是真实、具体。

美国社会长期来形成的信用体系让他们觉得欺骗等同于犯罪，何况近年来，留学中介、成绩造假等现象已经让中国申请者的诚信形象大打折扣。并且，我不认为一个大四学生可以在现场面试中(罗彻斯特大学要求在美就读本科的申请者必须现场面试)，能够在有着十年以上经验的面试官对细节的追问中不露出破绽。

关于“具体”，我觉得和美国人相比，中国人的工作、生活相对同质化一些，最好通过一些具体事件体现出uniqueness，让人印象深刻。这一项我做得不太好。不过，我在文章开头就明确表现出对“能源”行业的兴趣，并表达了进入证券公司工作的愿望，一是自身了解得相对较多，二是该行业在全球范围内都属于热点，占经济比重也比较大，更重要的是会使admission officer觉得申请者是一个目标明确的人。

毕竟金融行业相关工作浩如烟海，在我后来和一些应届生交谈的过程中，发现很多人对同属金融圈的不同“工种”毫无概念，“投行/券商、商行、基金、保险、信托、公司财务等等都可以，钱多就行”是很多人的想 法。

尽管现实可能与最初目标相距甚远，但目标和努力方向必须明确，美国商学院的老师们认为在做出申请研究生的决定之时，就应当有较明确的职业规划，否则，金融硕士本身就是对时间和金钱的巨大浪费。“具体”这一条同样适用于简历的写作，且最好有数字配合，数字显然比描述性的词汇说服力强得多。

当然，文中关于成立私募基金的想法，即使在当时我也认为有些不切实际。不过鉴于自身的体会和一些前辈的经验，我决定这样写。第一，我本人的确有创业的想法，成立私募基金不但和所学专业金融息息相关，而且国内近些年来成功的例子较多，便于面试时发挥。

第二，基督教中的新教教派在美国占主导地位，加上早年间向西部开疆扩土的历史，使得民众崇尚个人自由以及企业家精神，这样的想法容易获得认同感；

第三，如果按照不少金融专业学生的真实想法，写毕业后努力进入国际一流投行，根据“analyst->associate->VP->Associate Director->Director->Managing Director”的常规路线一步步晋升，过于单调，缺乏新 意。

此外，我在文中并不避讳地提到毕业后回国的打算，关于这一点，我认为学校的态度是基本中立的：我校在开学时，就为此给全体海外学生发放调查问卷，问卷包括“倾向于长期定居美国”“会在美国工作一段时间”“倾向于直接回国”或“没想好”四个选项，也可以写一段话概括自己的想法，学校的Career Management Center会据此制定相关策略。毕竟admission officer不是签证面试官，想法真实、合理即 可。

凭借这篇文章及面试时的不错发挥，我于当年12月就拿到了该校的offer以及1万美元奖学金。当然，面试和简历及个人陈述的一致性是很重要的，尽管近两年国内申请者激增，面试官们仍然保持着他们严谨的态度，面对面试官对简历或个人陈述中微小细节的提问不知所措可不是什么好事儿。

和美国人相比，中国人的工作、生活相对同质化一些，最好通过一些具体事件体现出uniqueness，让人印象深刻。