果冻心

By+Anonymous

I was in my second year of nurses training at Children Hospital when I fell in love with Jimmy. His eyes were the purple of afull-moonsky.

Jimmy was in the communicable diseases wing， isolated with measles and pneumonia. He had to be enclosed in his oxygen-tent-covered crib most of the time. When he wasnt sleeping， he was crying to get out. But he always stopped crying when I entered his room because he knew I would cuddle，rockandsingtohim. TheChildrens Orphanage had been his only home most of his fifteen months of life. I knew he was well-tended there， but no institution care canreplaceamotherslove.

Thedooropenedacrack.My supervisor hissed，“Miss White！ Have you completed all of your work and finished charting？”“Almost， Miss Stickleby.”“Its nearly time to go off duty. Put the baby down now. Check on your other patients， and then go help Miss Nelson. I believe she has an extra patient today.”The door closed before Icould answer. SuzieNelson did nothavean extra patient. I did. Suzie was assigned as Jimmys nurse， but I asked to have him added to my patient load. I wanted the extra time with him since Id be on vacation the nextthreedays.

Deliberately， I dawdled， massaging his thin little legs， playing peekaboo with his yellow ducky blanket， urging gurgling gigglesbetweenhisraspybreaths.

A loud tap rattled the ward window. Stickleby.

Iwavedgood-byetoJimmysroomasI hurried off duty， excited to have a mountain of fun. But at the same time， I was eager to return to my bright-eyed， nearly recovered Jimmy.

After holiday was over， I rushed back toworkandeagerlypeekedthrough Jimmys window on my way to the ward station.Hiscribwascleanandempty.

“Where did you move Jimmy？”I asked thenightnurse.“Oh， hedied Saturdaynight. Didnt you know？”Such a casual answer. My body turned to clabbered milk. I fell into the chair， crushing the toy bag.“Im sorry， Joy. He was such a special little kid.”She released a long， exhausted sigh.“Saturday night was a bad night.”Beyond consolation， I stumbled into the nurses lounge where I couldreleaseagreatwashoftears.

“Miss White！”It was Sticklebys clipped， stern voice.“Time for report. Dry your eyes and get on duty. Now， please.”All of the emotion I felt for Jimmy poured out like boiling oil over this cold， unfeeling woman.“How can you be so uncaring？”I yelled.“Its bad enough that Jimmys beautiful little life is snuffed out， but he didnt even have a mama to comfort him or to care that he died. And you？ Do you care about him or any other little life？ No！ Just‘Miss White， go to work. Pretend everything is the same. Well， it isnt the same. I care！ I loved that little boy！”Tears spattered down the front of my uniform. A handkerchief dropped onto my wet lap. I felt a soft touch on my shoulder. Miss Stickleby stood at my side，teardropssofteningherstiffuniform.endprint

“Miss White，”her voice was a husky whisper.“Therearefar toomanyJimmysin our profession. They can wreck our hearts if we let them. You and I are jelly hearts. We will always be searching for ways to cope. One thing I know for sure is that we must give equal attention to each child. To single out one child can destroy us and can limit ourabilitytobeaneffectivenurse.”

She blotted her face.“It may give you comforttoknowthatJimmydidntdiealone. Deathtookhimsoftlyfrommyarms.”

We sat together for a brief time， the seasoned jelly-hearted teacher and the green jelly-hearted student， crying. Then we put on our fresh nurse faces and went out to love and care for all the little children in ourcharges.

在儿童医院做见习护士的第二年，我喜欢上了吉米。他的眼睛呈淡淡的紫色，像满月的天空那么纯净。

吉米在传染病房，因为患有麻疹和肺炎被隔离开来。在大多数的时间里，他都躺在一张用氧气帐罩住的婴儿床上。醒着的时候，他就哭喊着要出来。但是，每当我走进他的房间，他就立即停止哭泣，因为他知道我会把他抱起来，摇晃着他，唱歌给他听。在他15个月生命的大部分时间里，孤儿院是他唯一的家。我知道他在那里被照顾得很好，但是没有哪一个公共机构的照顾能够替代母爱。

门被推开了一道缝。我的督导老师压低嗓音说：“怀特小姐，你所有的工作都完成了吗？病情记录表都填好了吗？”“差不多了，斯蒂克贝小姐。”“快到下班时间了。现在把这个孩子放下来，检查一下你的其他病人，然后去帮助纳尔逊小姐，她今天额外增加了一个病人。”我还没来得及回答，门就关上了。苏茜·纳尔逊没有增加一个病人，增加病人的是我。苏茜被指派为吉米的护士，但是我要求把他加到了我的病人名单中。我希望能有更多的时间陪他，因为我在接下来的三天里要去度假。

我故意慢腾腾地按摩着他那瘦小的双腿，用漂亮的黄毯子遮住脸跟他玩躲猫猫的游戏，把他逗得咯咯直笑，混杂着他沉重刺耳的呼吸声。

这时候，病房的窗户上传来一阵急促的敲击声，又是斯蒂克贝。

我匆匆忙忙下班的时候，向吉米的病房挥手再见，为就要到来的几天快乐时光而兴奋不已。但与此同时，我又渴望回到有着水灵灵的大眼睛、即将康复的吉米身边。

假期结束了，我匆匆忙忙地回去上班，在向住院部走去的路上，我急切地透过吉米的窗户向里看。他的婴儿床整整齐齐，但是，床上没有人。

“你们把吉米挪到哪里去了？”我问夜班护士。“噢，他星期六夜里死了。你不知道吗？”多么漫不经心的回答啊！我全身立刻瘫软下来，跌坐在椅子里，手里使劲揉着那一袋玩具。“我很难过，乔伊。这个孩子的确特别可爱。”她疲倦地长叹了一口气，“星期六晚上是一个很糟糕的夜晚。”她的话并不能安慰我，我失魂落魄地走进护士休息室，在那儿，我任眼泪恣意流淌。

“怀特小姐！”是斯蒂克贝小姐那冷峻、严厉的声音，“上班的时间到了。擦干你的眼泪，开始工作。快点儿！”听了她的话，我心中所有的悲伤和难过就像滚沸的油一样全都灌注到这个冷酷无情的女人身上。“你怎么能够这样漠不关心呢？”我冲她大声喊道，“吉米美丽的一生就这么结束了，甚至没有一个妈妈去安慰他，关心他的死活，这已经够糟糕了。而你？你关心他或其他任何一个小孩子吗？不！你只是说：‘怀特小姐，去工作。假装一切都和以前一样。噢，已经不一样了！我在意！我爱那个孩子！”眼泪溅落在我胸前的制服上。一条手帕轻轻落在我那被泪水打湿的膝头上。我感到有一只手温柔地放在了我的肩上。斯蒂克贝小姐站在我的身边，泪流满面，那一贯笔挺的制服也被泪水打湿了。

“怀特小姐，”她的声音沙哑而低沉，“在我们的工作中，会遇到很多像吉米一样的孩子。如果我们不控制自己的感情，他们会把我们的心给毁掉。你和我的心都应该像果冻一样，虽然柔软但是冷静。我们必须不断地寻找方法，使自己更理智地面对悲剧。有一点我是非常清楚的，那就是我们必须同样关心每一个孩子。对某个孩子的特殊关照会毁掉我们，使我们没有能力成为一个高效率的护士。”

她把脸上的泪擦干。“如果你知道吉米并不是一个人孤独地死去的，你也许会觉得好受一些。死神是从我的怀里慢慢地把他带走的。”

我们一起坐了一会儿，一个是拥有一颗成熟的果冻心的老师，一个是有着青涩的果冻心的学生，一起为死去的吉米哭泣。然后，我们振作精神，走出休息室，去爱和关心所有由我们看护的小孩子们。endprint