习作点评

汪璇

书面表达题目：

请根据下列提示，并结合事例，用英语写一篇短文。

As an proverb says， there is no such thing as a free lunch. Success doesnt come to anyone who sits back and does nothing at all.

注意：

（1）无须写标题，不得照抄英语提示语；

（2）除诗歌外，文体不限；

（3）字数为120左右

习作1

There is no doubt that we should struggle for our life. There is an old saying， “As you sow， so let them reap.” It is the experience of our forefathers. However， it is true in many cases even today.

When I was fourteen， the final examination was drawing near， all our classmates reviewed the notes that related to the lessons. But I thought it didnt make much difference to me. ①What is more， I still ignored what the teachers said in class and played everyday. ②The reason why I addicted to playing rather than studying hard was that I believe I must be successful. As a consequence， I failed in the exam. Without any doubt， I was punished by my parents. ③Only then did I realize that whatever you want to achieve， you have got to work hard.

④Simply as my story may seem， it sets us thinking more about the significance of working hard. ⑤It was in this way that we can achieve our dreams.

这篇文章涵盖了题目给出的所有信息，句子与段落之间使用了恰当的过渡词，使整篇文章衔接紧密。另外全文运用了多处高级句式和表达，是一篇优秀的学生习作。

①前一句话认为“复习与否没什么太大关系，后面进一步说自己上课还不认真听课”，前后是递进关系，whats more连接词的恰当运用。类似表递进的连接词还有：in addition， besides， furthermore， moreover等。

②书面表达要求同学们具备使用一定句型的能力。本句较好地使用了表语从句The reason why... is/ was that “……的原因就是……”

③尽量使用高级句式和高级词汇，得分会高一档。本句使用了only接时间状语置于句首，该句使用部分倒装结构。

④as表示“虽然，尽管”把形容词置于句首的部分倒装句，自然过渡，使文章增色不少。另外在总结段落，同学们可以用in brief， in conclusion， on the whole， to summarize这些短语。

⑤本句使用了强调句式，强调方式状语，“就是用这种方法我们才能实现我们的梦想”it is/was + 被强调的部分+其他。另外，同学们在平时写作练习中，可以尝试强调句的其他结构，比如有疑问词的强调句，一般疑问句等结构。

习作2

As we all know， no pains， no gains. ①Only after you make every endeavor to do it you can be successful.

②I still remember the days when I do bad in maths. But I didnt care.. I thought I was clever and I could get good grades. But I failed in the mid-term exam. My father told me that there was no such thing as a free lunch. ③Therefore I started doing some exercise and listening the teachers carefully. In the end， I passed the final exam.

④From what I have learned from my own experience， I know success doesnt come naturally.

这篇文章基本完成了写作要求，主题内容与提示吻和，语法结构与词汇应用基本准确，但是文章字数不够，部分表达出现错误。请同学们看看下面这几句。

①only + 时间状语置于句首，句子需要用部分倒装，情态动词can应该放在主语you的前面。因此大家在语法学习应特别注意这些细节，完成句子、书面表达都是对语法内容的考查。

②对过去事情的描述，句子应该用过去时态。本句建议改为I would like to share my experience with you. I still remember the days when I did bad in maths。同学们在审题时候，不仅应该注意题目要求，而且对时态、人称等都要留心。

③exercise表示“习题，练习”为可数名词，另外为了避免句式单一，本句建议改为Having done some exercises and listened carefully， I made much progress. 同学们在平时写作润色中，可以适当增加较复杂的高级句型，比如：名词性从句、定语从句、it句型、分词作状语等。

④避免汉语思维，本句建议改为What I have learned from my own experience is that success doesnt come naturally. 为了在书面表达中避免中文思维痕迹，建议大家多看英文原著、报刊杂志，从中体会中西表达的差异，把错误进行分类纠正，然后把词汇融入语境中练习。

总之，同学们在写书面表达时，在讲究词汇与句式的高级表达的同时，更应该注意语言的合理行与连贯性。endprint